Ford’s New Transit Connect Pickup: Hopefully You Didn’t Want a Longbed

Sometime next spring, Ford will release its new Transit Connect Pickup (TCPU), the short-bed answer to a question no one asked.  

With a bed that only measures 30-inches, you’ll either have to leave the sheet of drywall at Lowe’s or drag it behind the vehicle to get it home.   

“The TCPU is perfect for, say, someone who frequently steps in dog crap; they can throw their shoes in the bed and not stink up the truck’s interior,” said Ford spokesperson Gidget Plunknett.  

The Transit Connect’s engines carry over, including the top-of-the-line 178-horsepower Ecoboost four, which Ford says is strong enough to drag up to five sheets of drywall.    

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Local Man Feels He’s “Pretty Close” to Getting Car Clock Set Back to Standard Time

“I’ll probably have the dealer do it next time,” said Apex Hooflander

After a few setbacks that included inadvertently disconnecting his car’s cruise control and soldering his shoelace to the emergency flasher wiring, Apex Hooflander believes he’s pretty close to setting his vehicle’s clock back to standard time.  

“Fortunately, there was a helpful how-to video on Youtube,” he said as he used a shop rag to snuff out a small fire smoldering underneath the dashboard.  

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BRZ: We Wanted An STI, But Subaru Gives Us An Outback. Damn.

We’ve always been fans of Subaru’s nimble BRZ.  It just needs more engine.

We, along with thousands of BRZ enthusiasts, have waited years for a turbocharged version.  We’d even settle for the 2.0 liter from the milder WRX, although a BRZ with the 305-horsepower STI engine would certainly knock our hats in the creek.

Parksplug spy photographer Nordling Forks apparently cleans his camera lens with butter-flavored Pam.

Well, never mind.  A blurry spy photo indicates that instead of a turbocharged car, we’re getting a high-riding all-wheel-drive BRZ that’s equipped with the same 205-horsepower flat four.

“Last year in the U.S., Subaru sold only one vehicle that wasn’t an Outback or a Crosstrek and that was a Legacy purchased by a chimpanzee life coach from New Hampshire ,” explained automotive consultant Raisin McNabb.  “So it makes sense for them to build a BRZ Outback.”  

All we can say is, “Damn.”  

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CHIP FOOSE — THE EARLY YEARS:

 

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Cobra Replica Owner Distraught After Discovering Glovebox Was Signed by Some Guy Named Darrell Shulky

After saving his money for 15 years, LeBloyne Picnick was finally able to afford the car of his dreams — a Shelby Cobra.  

“Well, it’s actually a replica; I certainly couldn’t afford a real Cobra,” Picnick told Parksplug.  And like many Cobras, Picnick’s replica featured Carroll Shelby’s autograph right there on the glovebox door.  “I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “Carroll Shelby himself signed his name on my car!  Or so I thought.”  

LeBloyne Picnick's Cobra replica is possibly the only one in existence that was autographed by Darrell Shulky

LeBloyne Picnick’s Cobra replica is possibly the only one in existence that features Darrell Shulky’s autograph

It turns Picnick’s glovebox was actually autographed by some guy named Darrell Shulky.  

“I didn’t even notice it,” said the downtrodden Picnick.  “The day I got the car, I took my friend Eb for a ride and he pointed to the glovebox and said, ‘Who’s Darrell Shulky?'”  

Despite spending hours searching Cobra forums and social media sites, Picnick has yet to discover who Shulky is.  “That’s what I get for buying a replicar, I guess,” he said before burying his face in his hands and sobbing.  

 

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Automakers Want to Crash-Test People Instead of Vehicles

Claiming that crash testing wrecks too many vehicles, a coalition of automakers is proposing that NHTSA — which stands for National Highway Traffic something or other —  have humans sprint into a fixed steel barrier instead.

General Motors spokesperson Scut Nooberk, who was chosen to represent the collection of domestic and foreign automakers because of his nice haircut, told reporters, “”You crash six or eight Acadia Denalis into a barrier and, holy cow, that’s a lot of money down the drain.”

PeeWee Garwahl sprints into a test wall as his dog Cletus, wearing cervical collar, observes

Asked for comment, NHTSA spokesperson Tonico Blark claimed that not only was he unfamiliar with the proposal but admitted he didn’t know what the abbreviation NHTSA stands for either.

After showing the crowd a video of a man running full-speed into a steel barrier, Nooberk said, “Sure, he’s unconscious, but we saved, like, $55,000.  

 

 

 

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Astronaut Takes Both Sets of Car Keys Into Space; Wife Pissed

Fortunately, the bus system where we live is pretty good.”  
Soon-to-be-divorced astronaut Beeker Pugg

Astronaut Beeker Pugg, serving aboard the International Space Station, holds up his wife’s car keys

U.S. astronaut Beeker Pugg arrived last week at what will be his new home for the next year–the International Space Station.  

Unfortunately, Pugg apparently forgot to check his pockets before leaving home and inadvertently took both sets of keys for the family’s Nissan Altima into space with him.

“My wife called and was like, ‘Have you seen the keys to the car?’  She was foaming at the mouth she was so pissed,” Pugg laughed.  “Fortunately, the bus stop is close by.”

“F***ing buttmunch space scum,” barked Pugg’s 34-year-old wife Chantix.  “What am I supposed to do, walk to work for the next year? I hope his f***ing space suit rips.”

Chantix Pugg, astronaut’s angry wife

Pugg said he’ll “bring the keys home next October.”  

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What’s This? A Mid-Engined Shelby GT-350?

We all know a mid-engined Corvette is on its way, but Parksplug spy photographer Chuckles Kamakawiwo’ole said he nearly choked on his leftover Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket sandwich when he glanced over while driving and saw a mid-engined Shelby GT-350.  

That’s right — a mid-engined Mustang.

“With its short nose and stretched wheelbase, it was obvious right away it was a mid-engine car,” said Kamakawiwo’ole, who, coincidentally, also has a short nose and a stretched waistline.  He also drives a Meadows Frisky Prince, so he knows all about mid-engined cars.

In an effort to identify the engine underneath the tinted rear glass, Kamakawiwo’ole wiped his finger inside one of the four exhaust tips, then licked his fingers.  “Tastes like a 5.2 liter Voodoo, alright,” he exclaimed while licking the rest of his fingers.

 

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BMW Confounded Over Next Headlamp Design

BMW’s use of dual circular headlights is as much a design icon as the renowned Hofmeister Kink.  But, according to an insider, stylists are running out of ideas for the next generation vehicles.  

“There’s only such much you can do with a couple of adjacent circles, you know,” said the source.  “They’ve had separate dual lamps, joined lamps, headlight surrounds that touch the grille, surrounds that don’t touch the grill, and on and on.”  

The attached photo, smuggled out of BMW’s design studio inside a steaming pile of Kartoffelpuffer, indicates designers will resort to slanted headlights.  “It’s all they’ve got left,” said the insider.  “They realize it makes the car resemble a ’59 Buick, but they’ve tried everything else.”  

 

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Chevy Will Adopt Phonetic Spelling For Three Hard-to-Pronounce Models, Says Source

Chevy Silverawdough

Chevrolet — tired of people mispronouncing the names of three of their more popular vehicles — is switching to phonetic spelling, according to our second favorite automotive website, The Morning Constitutional.  

Here are the changes:

-Silverado becomes “Silverawdough”

-Equinox changes to “EEEKwinox.”

Chevrolet EEEKwinox

Additionally, Chevrolet’s compact Trax crossover will be spelled “Tracks,” although we’re not sure how anyone could have messed that one up as it was.

 

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