Parksplug

Owners Itch and Moan Over Allergic Vehicle Seats

A day after hundreds of vehicle owners complained of breaking out in itchy, oozing rashes they say was caused by their vehicles’ vegan seat covers, the maker of those seats admitted using pulverized poison oak plants in the manufacturing process.  

“We’d like to apologize to our customers,” said Meatless Seats spokesperson Drambuie Jones.  “We have large machines that toss our natural poison oak in cat litter to remove the oils, but one batch apparently got through that wasn’t treated.” 

Jones claims that unlike companies who cover seats in animal leather, their seats are 100% vegan, and are made from recycled corduroy pants, worn out basketballs and wild cabbage along with the treated poison oak. 

“We’ve recalled all the itchy seats and sent a bottle of calamine lotion and a case of wild cabbage, along with our apologies, to those who were affected,” Jones said.    

One of those vehicle owners is Lobo Meldrop of Sump Lake, whose back and chest are covered with oozing red blotches.  “It itches like hell and it’s really hard to keep from scratching it.  He did admit to Plarskpug Parksplug that sometimes the itching is so severe that he resorts to scratching his back with his Sawzall. “I unplug it first, of course,” he added.  

For now, the huge Meatless Seats plant off Route 8 in Poi Sippi sits idle until a thorough cleaning process is completed.  Blubelle Geesterly, who lives next to the plant said she’s glad it’s shut down, even if it’s only temporary.  “It stinks. The whole neighborhood smells like hyena farts.” 

How Toyota’s NFL Halftime Show is Being Affected by Supply Chain Issues

Why is there a mid-80’s Tercel SR5 4WD sitting center stage on Toyota’s NFL Halftime Show, you ask? 

“It’s the damn semiconductor chip shortage,” explained Toyota Media Manager Arpus Ardnut.  “It’s the same reason my Aunt Mamie can’t find a replacement for her old and beloved massage wand.  Believe it or not, even WE can’t get any new vehicles.” 

Ardnut told Parksplug reporter Hal Bob Winkelhyde that Toyota had no choice but to rent the old Tercel from a studio sound technician for $49 a day plus an extra egg salad sandwich at lunchtime. “We couldn’t just have an empty stage.  Let me tell you, $49 a day is goddamn highway robbery for that beige piece of s**t,” bellowed the red-faced Ardnut, which is not to be confused with the red-chested Cardinal, a perky and colorful bird that eats styrofoam and frequents leach fields.    

And to make matters worse, experts warn against expecting any new Toyotas on the Halftime Show stage anytime soon.  “They just can’t make enough chips to meet demand,” explained economist Fidget Pust.  “They’re in everything from microwave ovens to Wolf Blitzer.  

Local Man Suffers Breakdown After Spending 73 Hours Trying to Replace Wiper Blades

A Chisel Rapids man is under the care of mental health professionals after spending days trying unsuccessfully to replace his vehicle’s windshield wiper blades.  “I couldn’t even get the old ones off,” said a tearful 32-year old Nocknor McDid, who requested anonymity.

“The instructions said ‘Press tab to release blade’, but I pressed it and pressed it and they didn’t come off.  Then I jimmied the tab with a screwdriver and watched five or six how-to videos on YouTube, and I still couldn’t get them to come off.  They…just…wouldn’t…come off,” McDid sobbed while biting his fist.

Dr. Jubilee Forkness couldn’t talk specifically about McDid’s case, although she did say he will probably be fine — “as long as he stays away from wipers for awhile. “We get dozens of these cases each year when the fall rains begin.”

When we contacted Michelin, the manufacturer of McDid’s replacement blades, an unidentified customer service employee apologized for McDid’s difficulty in replacing his wiper blades, but added, “all he had to do is press the tab to release the blade.”

Heretofore Unknown Henry Ford IV Shows Up Looking For a Management Job

Henry Ford IV

Henry Ford and Henry Ford II are long gone, and we already knew about Henry Ford III, Henry the First’s 39-year-old great-grandson who recently left his day-to-day job at the Ford Motor Company but continues to hold a position on the board of directors. 

But no one — apparently not even Ford family members — knew of the existence of Henry Ford IV.  Nevertheless, IV has arrived on the scene in Dearborn and reportedly wants to join the ranks of Ford’s management.

“I know a lot about cars and stuff,” said Ford IV, who, strangely, appears to be older than Henry Ford III.  “I’ve always owned Fords.  I still drive an ’83 EXP with the 1.6 and a four-speed.  Good car, but it does kind of look like a bewildered catfish.”

Henry Ford IV poses with his 1983 Ford EXP

For now, a Ford insider says the company is paying for a room for Ford IV at the Dearborn La Quinta until they can figure out what he’s good at.  If anything.

Ask Parksplug: “The Closer I Get to Home, the More I Have To Go To the Bathroom.”

Dear Parksplug,
I’m a reasonably healthy 47-year-old man.  I eat a lot of snow peas and work out daily with my wife’s deflated exercise ball.  When “nature calls,” I always head home rather than use the restroom at work, as I enjoy using the time to read my favorite automotive blog Parksplug.*


However, I notice that the closer I get to my house, the stronger the urge is to go to the bathroom.  A few miles away, I’m fine, but by the time I turn onto my street, my stomach is all knotted up and I feel like I’m going to backfire.  Is this normal?  By the way, I drive a 1991 Chevy Lumina.  
Serge

Dear Sarge,
While it’s possible you have a buckled sphincter, it’s unlikely.  You might have your doctor or a trusted friend examine your large intestine.  That’s the organ in your abdomen that is shaped like the “G” on the Google logo.  It’s about 400-yards long, and only fits inside your body because it shrinks up like an introverted Pocket Hose.

While a link hasn’t been proven, people afflicted with your condition typically do a lot of bog snorkeling.  Eliminating this activity should clear up your problem.  

Nice car, that Lumina.

*Changed from Autoblog for editorial clarity

Subaru To Make Seat Covers From Tub Drain Hair

It’s gross and clogs the drain.  But, always the innovator, Subaru — who, after all, developed the 1946 Fuji Rabbit motor scooter which came complete with an automatic transmission — has created a process to turn disgusting globs of tub and shower drain hair into a soft, supple and durable auto upholstery. 

At a news conference yesterday, spokesperson Fondue Baumgardner explained, “We at Subaru believe tub drain hair is.”  At that point, her microphone fell off the lapel of her Dickie’s coveralls and landed with a thud on the floor.  “The upholstery of the future,” she continued after picking up the microphone and blowing the dust of it.  

Baumgardner, who inexplicably showed up to the event driving a badly dented, matte gray 1999 Daihatsu Charade, said the new seat cover material will show up on most of Subaru’s 2022 models, but not the WRX.  “For our high-performance models, we’re developing a unique upholstery derived from Eurasian sea otter fur which offers even greater grip in the twisties.”  She later apologized for using the word “twisties.” 

The drain hair upholstery will be available in a variety of colors including Honey Blonde, Chestnut, Auburn, Ebony, Henna Red and for those seeking a more unkempt look, Haight-Ashbury (pictured). 

Subaru originally planned to provide owners with a bristle brush that produced a mild static charge to quickly remove lint and pet hair, however, during testing the brush repeatedly shorted out the seat heaters.  

FIRST LOOK: CHEVY’S NEW TAHOE NOMAD!

When I showed up to check out the soon-to-be-released Tahoe Nomad, Chevrolet Marketing Manager Neptune Trotter rushed over to greet me.  A plus-sized fellow with a sunburned nose like a scorched rotisserie chicken, Trotter grabbed me in a bear hug and shouted, “I’m so glad you could come.”  He squeezed me so tightly I nearly did.

Since the disappearance of the most popular Nomad models of the mid-50’s, tens of people have demanded that Chevy produce a modern-day version.  And although this new one is based on an SUV, we think it’s still pretty cool.

All the epochal (we don’t know what it means either) 50’s styling cues are there:  Two-tone paint, upright windshield, low roofline, forward slanting rear window and chrome vertical strips on the liftgate. Trotter said engineers even programmed the 5.3 liter V-8 to overheat and mimic the effects of vapor lock.  In fact, when it came time for our test drive, the Nomad wouldn’t start.  “I think you flooded it,” scolded Trotter.  

If Chevrolet can find any semiconductor chips, the Nomad could be in showrooms next month.    

Experts Claim Flat Bottom Steering Wheels Lead to Flat Bottomed Drivers

Here’s a good excuse to go out and buy that Audi S5 you’ve been wanting. A lowly-respected researcher claims that people who drive cars with flat-bottom steering wheels frequently develop flatter bottoms themselves.  

“It’s true,” claimed Yktruct “Bob” Woosht, a posterior clinician at Thicket Pitch City College.  He wanted to tell us more about his research but, frankly, we just weren’t that interested. 

A few days later, we ran into Audi owner Custard Blickman (photos), who bought her used flat bottom wheel-equipped 2019 S5 just six weeks ago, and she’s already showing off her newly deflated derriere.  

“I’ve tried everything to slim down without success,” said the 317-pound Blickman. “I ate nothing but homemade fig doodles for two years and even tried prancing like a drum major for two miles while clenching my buttocks every evening, but nothing seemed to work.”  Nothing, that is, until she bought her flat-bottom-wheeled Audi.  “It’s like a miracle,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye using her iPhone’s eye-wiping app.   

Audi flat bottom steering wheel

 You say you can’t afford an Audi?  You can modify your existing steering wheel using the Pittsburgh Compress-A-Wheel tool from Harbor Freight.  It’s 16% off until yesterday.  

“DAMNED WHISTLE” DELAYS RELEASE OF 2021 PRIUS SPEEDTAIL

Toyota has postponed the debut of the long-awaited Prius Speedtail due to a mysterious whistling sound, the source of which engineers have not been able to locate.

“It’s the shits,” said demoralized Toyota engineer Yarbob McNeith.  “Nobody wants a whistling Prius no matter how cool it looks.”

Whether it looks cool or not is a matter of individual taste.  You can decide for yourself by taking a look at the attached spy photo taken by Parksplug’s Largo Van Cork, whose photos always look like they were shot through an aquarium filled with Vaseline.

What is decidedly not in dispute, though, is how aerodynamic the Speedtail is.  “Before this car came along, the most aerodynamic object we ever tested was a greasy carrot,” said Professor Barada Nikto of the Perfringens Institute of Aeronautics and Gynecology. “But this car blew the carrot out of the water,” she (or perhaps he) said.

Incidentally, Toyota initially planned to call the wind-cheating four-door the Air Prius.  However, sports apparel maker Nike objected, fearing buyers could confuse the car with their Air Priest athletic shoe that targets Catholic basketball players.

Needless to say, the Prius Speedtail won’t hit the market until engineers can solve the vexing high-pitched whistling issue.  Which truly is the shits.

Costco Tire Customers to Receive Change in Rotisserie Chickens

Costco quietly announced last week that all customers of its tire centers will receive their change in rotisserie chickens instead of cash.  

“It really cuts down on the money handling we have to do,” Costco spokesman Dante McFelger told Parksplug, adding, “And it saves the customer from having to go inside the warehouse to pick up a chicken.”  When we countered that not all Costco customers want a rotisserie chicken, McFelger seemed dumbfounded and speechless and simply walked away.  

An unidentified Costco tire center customer leaves after receiving his “change”

“I wanted tires, not a handful of chicken platters,” complained Bulimia Netskit of Breakwynd, Virginia, who had just purchased a set of Michelins for her 2002 Daewoo Nubira and was trying to juggle a stack of eight rotisserie chickens.  “They didn’t even ask me if I wanted a box,” she complained as she walked toward her car.