Updated on April 2, 2020
Say It Ain’t So! 707-Horsepower Hellcat Replaced by Four-Cylinder “Housecat”
Mopar fans are up in arms following Chrysler Fiat’s announcement today that the supercharged 707-horsepower Hellcat V8 engine, a popular option for Dodge Charger and Challenger models, will be discontinued.
A spokesperson for the automaker said the Hellcat will be replaced by a mildly upgraded version of the turbo 1.4 liter from the Jeep Renegade, and the model will be renamed the Housecat.
Dodge Challenger Housecat wheezes by during pretty darned nice weather testing. The cars feature unique Housecat graphics (inset)
“While a truly amazing engine, the Hellcat no longer makes sense from a fuel efficiency standpoint,” explained Dodge spokesperson Tulip Schnout. “The Housecat is cute and full of spunk, and we’re sure drivers will love it.”
The new Challenger and Charger Housecats feature a slightly higher performance version of the 1.4 liter engine bolted into the Renegade, where it makes 160-horsepoweer. “The Housecat is rated at 162-horsepower,” said Schnout. “And it’s bolted to a DMDC6ST, or double-mostly-dry-clutch 6-speed transmission.”
Jason Glotz, who wanted to trade his 2015 Challenger Hellcat for a 2020 model, told Parksplug he broke into tears in the Dodge showroom when he first heard the Housecat’s “flatulent” exhaust note and high-pitched “Meow” horn. “I might just have to kill myself,” said the downtrodden Glotz.
Updated on March 13, 2020
First Photo: 2020 Shelby Transit Connect
It’s the news that many (four or five) Transit Connect fanboys have been waiting for: Ford has announced it will produce a Shelby version of the compact van! And Parksplug has the first photo of the hot rod TranCon…but just the back end.
2018 Shelby Transit Connect
Sources tell us the Shelby version will feature a version of the turbocharged 310-horsepower 2.3 liter four from the Mustang, although it will be slightly detuned to ensure reliability for flower delivery service operators, Peapod drivers and HVAC duct cleaners.
“I can’t wait,” exclaimed Bellardo Vitzi, owner of The Speckless Mutt, a mobile dog grooming service. “I’m so stoked I wet myself.”
Updated on February 25, 2020
Engineers Dispute Claims About Electric Vehicle Additives
| Drivers of electric vehicles might be tempted by claims from makers of newly-marketed electricity additives. But one engineer has a message for consumers–save your money. |
Electro-Kleen is one of several electric vehicle additives
“A bottle of injector cleaner might make your Chevy Tahoe’s engine run a little smoother, but a bottle of electricity cleaner isn’t going to help your Tesla at all,” said automotive engineer Xing Guard.
But the makers of Elektro-Clean, an electrical additive that comes in a 12-ounce bottle, disagree. “You’ve got all these electrons and stuff bouncing around inside the battery cells, and after awhile, they get scuffed up, which negatively affects vehicle performance and eMPG,” said Elektro-Clean spokesman Gus Shutts.
“Elektro-Clean coats electrons in a patented tiny detergent bubble, keeping them cleaner,” said Shutts. “We recommend using a bottle a month for optimal protection.”
Updated on February 17, 2020
On Eve of Big Auto Show, Automakers Still Trying to Figure Out Just Where the Hell Geneva Is
Weeks before the start of the Geneva International Auto Show, a number of automakers are still trying to figure out where Geneva is.
Ford auto show planners use a globe and Google maps in an attempt to locate Geneva
“Is it in Canada?” asked Ford spokesman Siefert Langhorn. “Crap, we should have started looking this up months ago.”
“We wanted to display the new electric F-150 that we’re not acknowledging that we’re going to build,” said Langhorn, pursing his lips and blinking back tears. “It’s really too bad; the Canadians would have loved it.”
Ford apparently isn’t the only company that is perplexed. Fiat Chrysler reportedly trucked four Ram pickups and two Hellcats to tiny Geneva, Nebraska, and several Hyundais somehow ended up in Genesee, Wisconsin.
If anyone knows where Geneva is located, please contact Langhorn at www.ford.com/wherethehellisgeneva.
Updated on January 29, 2020
From Now On, Horsepower and Torque Will Be the Same Thing
Automotive engineers say they’ve “had it up to here” with trying to explain the difference to the general public.
“We’ve explained and explained until we’re blue in the face,” said exasperated automotive engineer Aroma Sue Crouch. “We give up.”
After listening to a detailed explanation, 24-year-old Abbott Woosley tries to grasp the difference between horsepower and torque. “This is a typical response,” says engineer Aroma Sue Crouch. “This illustrates why we need to revise the terminology.”
This pervasive confusion had led the National Bunch of Automotive Engineers (NBoAE) to declare that horsepower and torque are now one and the same.
“Basically, people are blockheads,” said a frustrated Crouch. “Hopefully, this will simplify things.”
The change, which takes effect tomorrow at 9:00 AM Chamorro Standard Time (1:30 PM Eastern, 2:30 PM everywhere to the left of that), will replace the terms horsepower and torque with the single label, horque.
As an example, up until now, one version of the new Ford Power Stroke V-8 turbo diesel was rated at 475 horsepower and 1050 pound feet of torque. Those numbers are added together, and then divided by two to determine the new rating of 762.5 horque.
Ford immediately released a statement claiming top honors in the diesel pickup horque wars, although Ram countered that, while their truck has only “625 horques,” it carries a greater payload than the Ford. GM was too busy managing recalls to respond.
Updated on January 24, 2020
BMW TO SUPPLEMENT OLD BLUE-AND-WHITE LOGO WITH ACTUAL SPINNING PROPELLER
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| BMW’s optional spinning propeller. The company recommends waiting until it stops spinning to open the hood |
Despite the fact it’s a myth that BMW’s iconic blue and white logo represents a spinning propeller, the company has decided to offer an optional spinning propeller embedded into their cars’ hoods.
“It looks cool, don’t you think?” asked BMW designer Hartmut Schweegenscheimer. “Plus, it helps with engine cooling,” a claim he made while rubbing the remaining nub of his pinky finger, severed by the propeller when he opened the hood without allowing the blade to spool down.
According to sources, BMW will charge $1,800 for the propeller option, plus another $600 for red and blue painted prop tips (shown above).
Updated on January 24, 2020
Honda: “Here’s Your F**king Volume Knob!
Honda is apparently tired of complaints about the lack of volume knobs on their vehicles’ audio systems.
At a press conference today to show off the 2020 Civic, a reporter asked Honda spokesperson Howdy Kanute if the sporty compact finally had a volume knob.
It apparently wasn’t the first time Kanute had been asked that question.
“You want a volume knob?” Kanute asked angrily. “Well, here’s your f**king volume knob!” he shouted as he pointed to a hockey puck-sized chrome lump mounted in the Civic’s center panel.
Our advice: Don’t complain about the small mirrors.
Updated on January 16, 2020
FORMER PALM READER SWITCHES TO STUDYING TIRE GROOVES
10 years ago, Gushie Blair left a successful career as a reptile cremation specialist to become a palm reader. Now, she’s about to steer her career in yet another direction: tire reading.
“It’s all about interpreting the character and lifespan of a tire,” Blair explained as she closed her eyes and gently caressed the tread of an LT255/75R17 BF Goodrich Mud Terrain TA tire in a mildly deviant yet admittedly alluring manner.
“This tire has a bright future. See how wide and straight this is?” Blair asked, wiggling her index finger inside a groove in the center of the tire. “That’s an indicator of a wonderfully strong inner chi, which provides stability and balance. Just remember to rotate them regularly and pick the gravel out of the tread.”
The transition from palm to tire reading required several years of study and introspection, said Blair. “I was fortunate enough to study under the preeminent guru at Tire Rack.”
Updated on January 7, 2020
Here’s the Poop on Ferrari’s Upcoming LaFerrari Successor!
Ferrari has confirmed it will indeed build a new hypercar to succeed its vaunted LaFerrari. After several days of trying, we were finally able to get in touch with Ferrari spokesperson Cervelli Fritti, who explained that “vaunted” means “wildly praised or successful.”
Also, Fritti said the car will be dubbed the LaLaLaFerrari in homage to the late Enzo Ferrari, a devout fan of the opera.
We don’t know what the car in this sketch is, but we didn’t have any other pictures. We dug this one out of Ferrari’s recycle bin. Remember to always use a clean eraser to avoid smudges.
While the price has not been announced, it really makes no difference, as the car will be so exclusive that no one will be allowed to buy it.
“In the past, only a very limited number of cars were produced, and potential buyers had to apply for ownership,” Fritti explained. “But the LaLaLaFerrari will be so exclusive that applications will not be accepted and one will be allowed to purchase it.”
According to Fritti, production of the car is slated to begin “oh, one of these days.”
Updated on January 2, 2020
Breaking News! Tony Retires; FIAT Changing its Name to FIAF
In this photo from 1992, Tony fixes another Fiat
Everyone’s heard the old adage that FIAT stands for “Fix It Again Tony.” But we didn’t realize it was true until now.
Fiat announced today that Tony has retired, and is being replaced by veteran mechanic Francesco Grimaldi, necessitating the company’s name change.
“Tony’s a good guy,” Fiaf spokesperson Matteo Franchetti said as he wiped away tears. “He’s been here forever; we’ll miss him.”
