Parksplug

LOCAL MAN’S ATTEMPT TO USE 3D PRINTER TO BUILD FORD F-150 A FAILURE

Preston Snatch already had a 3D printer, and he wanted a new pickup truck.  Snatch, 37, who had previously only used the printer to make some homemade nose strips for himself and a couple of dozen plastic shoehorns for friends, decided to use the device to build a Ford F-150.

Preston Snatch’s first attempt to use a 3D printer to build a Ford F-150 was a failure

“It didn’t turn out well at all,” he said while pointing to a wrinkled mishmash of white-colored truck detritus.  “First, the computer wouldn’t talk to the printer, and after getting that fixed, the print nozzles began spitting and the parts got jammed in the tray.  Maybe I should have aligned the print heads after all.”

Snatch said he tried to call technical support but couldn’t get through.  “The recording said they’re closed for Maha Shirvaratri.”

C-CLASS CLASS C AMG: FIRST PHOTO!

Mercedes C-Class Class C AMG

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

“We all have Hoverounds, and we love them!” The Beach Boys

INVESTIGATORS BLAME  “VEGAN INSURGENTS” 

 FOR WEINERMOBILE  TORCHING

“It’s very sad.  But it sure smelled good. Let’s go eat.” Arson investigator Cooter Cranz

HondaJet in final testing stages

APPLE’S CHEAPER iPHONE ALTERNATIVE FOR YOUR CAR

Apple iHad

Apple iPhones, iPods and Ipads are finding their way into more and more new vehicles, but has Apple forgotten about those of us who barely survived the recession and can’t afford their high-priced products?

No.  The Cupertino-based company’s new iHad–a clever device that makes it easy for anyone to list all the things they once owned before the recession–has just hit the market, and it’s a superb low-cost alternative for your vehicle’s dashboard.

The iHad features an 8.5″ X 11″ ruled writing surface made of a patented high-tech cellulose pulp material compatible with any ink pen.  The beautiful piano-black frame features a non-functional Home button and a revolutionary no-licking-required suction cup to attach the device to your car’s dashboard.

“The iHad is certainly right for the times,” said tech blogger Luna Moon Spumacher, who added, “and at just $99.99, I think they’ll sell millions of them.”

While some complain that the iHad doesn’t come with a web browser, camera, retina display, pixels, chips, Wi-Fi, or other expected features, Apple counters that those things are available on their other products.  “I love my iHad.  It took me just a few minutes to list all the stuff I don’t have and can’t afford anymore,” gushed unemployed eyebrow threader Cinnamon Poskey.

DISAPPEARANCE OF CHECKER MARATHON LEADS TO NEAR EXTINCTION FOR CHECKER-PECKING BIRD

A Checkerpecker sits atop an old Checker fender at the Save the Checkerpecker sanctuary in Yogi Schortz’s backyard

The Checker Marathon, a vehicle most often recognized in taxicab guise, disappeared in 1982, and now scientists are warning that the Checkerpecker, a bird that relied on the car for its habitat, is in danger of extinction.

“The Checkerpecker is probably attracted to the car’s yellow paint, and it pecked on the hood, fenders and trunk in an attempt to lure a mate,” explained Yogi Schortz, a professor of ornithology at Larry and Bud’s Barber College.  “Now that the Checkers are gone, we’re seeing the birds disappear, too.”

Schortz, who serves as president and sole member of the Save the Checkerpeckers club, recently opened a sanctuary for the noisy birds in his backyard.  “So far, we have one Checker fender and one Checkerpecker, but we’re hoping to get more,” he said.

CARFAX EXPANDS BACKGROUND CHECKS TO PEOPLE

Carfax, the company that provides vehicle history reports on used cars, has expanded their background check service to include people, a program they call CharFax (Char is short for “character”).  “Say for example, you meet someone and you’re thinking about starting a relationship with this person.  Getting a CharFax report first can help you avoid costly hidden problems down the road,” explained company spokesman Pee Wee Livsickle.

Is he really “The one?”  Check him out with a CharFax report

The report, which the company says will cost about $20, includes information such as true date of birth and marital status, the number of previous relationships and any emotional or structural damage.  Additionally, the report classifies the person into one of four categories:  Good, Rebuilt, Salvage or Lemon.

A smartphone app is available that provides instant reports, said Livsickle, and stand-alone ATM-like CharFax machines can be found inside many bars.  “As our slogan says, ‘Peace of mind before piece of…” he said, his voice trailing off.

DOES NEW CAR SMELL CONTRIBUTE TO GLOBAL WARMING?

For many of us, the “new car” smell–along with the 84 monthly payments–is one of the pleasures of purchasing a shiny new vehicle.  But now a group of non-leading scientists claims the new car aroma is a major or perhaps even lieutenant colonel contributor to global warming.  Parksplug asked Dr. Denzil Borglum, an adjunct professor from the Fanoka Institute of Non-Sexual Tactile Communications and Environmental Studies for details.

DrB:  Is there a chair for me to sit in?

PP:  No, but feel free to lean against the back wall.  So, what’s all this new car smell hubbub about?

DrB:  Our research indicates it’s a contributor to global warming.

PP:  You’ll have to speak up, you’re way in the back of the room.

DrB:  I said we’ve concluded the new car smell is warming the planet.

PP: Which planet?

DrB:  It’s melting the icecaps and putting polar bears out of work.

PP:  What can be done?

DrB:   We recommend buying the optional fabric sealant when you purchase a new vehicle.  It locks the smell into the upholstery so it can’t escape into the atmosphere.  Plus, if you spill coffee on the seat, it’s easy to clean up with a napkin or rag.  Oh, and the paint sealant is an excellent way to protect your investment for years to come.

PP:  You don’t happen to sell cars on the side, do you?

DrB:  I’m sorry…what?  I’m way in the back of the room.

IS GM’S MAGNETIC RIDE CONTROL SUSPENSION TOO MAGNETIC?

MagneRide, or magneto-rheological shock absorbers, have led to significant improvements in ride and handling for vehicles ranging from Cadillacs to Ferraris.  But could the suspension be too magnetic?  That’s what some motorists are asking after metal objects of all types and sizes became affixed to their MagneRide-equipped vehicles.

“I dragged a Weber gas barbecue from Tucson to Kerosene Hat, Wyoming last week,” said frustrated Camaro ZL1 owner Futz Hambling.  “I don’t even know who the damned thing belonged to or where I picked it up.”

Cadillac owner Enos Winchester returns home from a short trip.  “Everytime I go for a drive, I end up having to pry forks, gas cans and lawn mowers off my car,” he complained.

General Motors spokesperson Tapioca Wardle said the company is aware of the problem, which they say was caused either by solar flares or Chinese hackers.  “We have a software update coming,” said Wardle.

BEVERLY HILLBILLIES FINALLY GET A NEW TRUCK

“We’re happier than itchy pigs rubbing against a mud fence,” said front seat passenger Jed Clampett

PORSCHE AND JOHN DEERE JOIN FORCES TO PRODUCE HIGH-PERFORMANCE LAWN TRACTOR

The X911 TurMow features a 28-horsepower turbocharged water-cooled flat two and PDK twin-pedal (forward and reverse) transmission. Porsche/Deere plans to offer two X911 models, the $4,295 naturally aspirated base model and the $7,295 turbocharged TurMow, which the companies claim is the quickest production yellow and green garden tractor in the world, with the ability to zoom from 0 to 6 in 16.8 seconds, and a top speed of 9.  “You can’t even see its cutting blades spinning, they go so fast,” company spokesman Jürgen Umlaut said while demonstrating by spinning his index finger quickly in circles.   Umlaut, dressed in crisp, tailored Ben Danke coveralls,  claimed a bagging system is not necessary as even the base model X911 “has enough power to simply blow grass clippings over the fence into your neighbor’s yard.”   As with all Porsche products, the price climbs quickly as options are added.  The X911 TurMow displayed at the show featured the $1,850 Sport ChronMow Package, which includes Seat Active Suspension Management (SASM), which continually adjusts the angle and damping of the driver’s seat based on lawn conditions, uni-xenon headlights and carbon fiber sun hat.