EIGHT THINGS THE MASERATI GHIBLI AND COCO 9500R BIDET HAVE IN COMMON

Heated seating:  The Maserati Ghibli seats four while the Coco 9500R bidet only accommodates one (which most people feel is appropriate anyway).  
Manual shifting:  The Maserati’s automated manual gearbox features steering-wheel mounted shift paddles.  The Coco has no paddles, and shifting while sitting on it just makes the seat creak.  
Ventilation Fans:  The Ghibli’s airflow can be directed at the windshield, face or feet, while the bidet’s fan blows…um…from underneath.  As with real estate, it’s all about location, location, location. 
Plumbing:  Admittedly, the 250-degree liquid coursing through the Ghibli’s piping is much hotter than that dispensed by the Coco.  Remember, the goal when using a bidet is cleanliness, not pasteurization.  
Dual Exhaust:  The Ghibli’s twin satin-finished pipes poke out from under each side of the rear bumper.  Very sporty.  The Coco’s dual nozzles aren’t chromed, nor do they look especially sporty, but they do oscillate as they squirt.   
Passionate Owners:  Maserati owners shun other exotic cars.  Likewise, Coco

owners often refuse to use any other “facilities,” and instead, elect to drive long distances at near NASCAR speeds to reach home and their cherished 9500R.

Sporty Names:  Ghibli is named after a hot North African wind while Coco sounds like your neighbor’s dachshund’s name.  But 9500R evokes adventure; just like Elantra GT does.   
High Price:  The 2014 Maserati Ghibli starts at just over $65,000. The 9500R can be had for $369; expensive for a toilet seat, but you won’t have to license and insure it.    
THE LAST WORD:
 You’d look totally cool sitting behind the wheel of the Maserati; sitting on the Coco 9500R, perhaps not so much.  
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BIG WIN FOR U.S. POSTAL SERVICE IN BAJA 500

It was celebration time yesterday for the half-million employees of the U.S. Postal Service after the federal agency took the checkered flag in the challenging Baja 500 off-road race.  

A race-prepared USPS Grumman LLV truck beat back entries from competitors UPS, FedEx and DHL to win the coveted trophy in the light to medium-duty package delivery vehicle class.

Ecstatic employees at post offices around the country opened crates of customers’ champagne and stuck postage stamps to one another’s foreheads.  “This is huge!” exclaimed USPS Zip Code Specialist Cricket Peese as she sipped champagne and munched on styrofoam packing peanuts.

Winning race driver Jon (pronounced “John”) Feetersley told Parksplug that modifications to the winning truck were few.  “We bored the motor out from 2.2 liters to 2.3, and put a new set of Hankooks on it, and that was about it,” said Feeters.  

Baja race committee president Buck Riviera said the trophy will be FedEx’d to the Postal Service tomorrow.

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SPY PHOTO: IS THIS THE NEW SILVERADO FAMILY TRUCKSTER?

Rumors that Chevrolet would add a Family Truckster package to its Silverado lineup have been swirling about the blogosphere for some time.  But a photograph taken by legendary automotive spy photographer Akrod Peeler indicates the well-lit truck will become a reality.  

The Silverado Family Truckster:
Coming soon?

The image shows the Silverado with the full Family Truckster package, including additional front lighting and side wood appliques.  A deceased elderly woman strapped to the roof was not depicted.

Chevrolet design manager Stuey Gazoonta, when asked for comment, told Parksplug he now works for Fiat but will be leaving next week to take a position with Donfeng Motor Group.  

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PARKSPLUG READER PROFILE

Editor’s note:  Each week–or at least every once in a while–we’ll profile one of our readers.  Right now, we only have one reader, so for the foreseeable future, we’ll be profiling him over and over.  

Parksplug reader and
Olds Alero Fan Cwaig Gwant

Cwaig Gwant says the first thing people want to know upon meeting him is, how did he get his unusual name?  “When my mother was a kid, she was trying to lick cake icing off a whirling electric beater.  The doctor managed to unfurl her tongue, but after that, when she talked, her  R‘s were all messed up,” said Gwant solemnly.

Cwaig considers himself a “car guy,” and is in the process of building a tribute 1998 Oldsmobile Alero Pace Car out of parts he’s found alongside the interstate.  

“So far, I have some door trim, a motor mount and a wiper motor,” he said, pointing to some greasy parts sitting near a blackened wall in the garage.  “My friend Buckley and I were spraying each other with brake cleaner and I guess we were too close to the water heater,” he explained, pointing to the wall.    

What does Cwaig enjoy most about Parksplug?  “I don’t know,” he replied.

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AVIATION NEWS

IN COST CUTTING MOVE, GOVERNMENT TO TURN OVER AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TO BIRD WATCHERS

The Federal Aviation Administration today announced it will turn over all U.S. air traffic control duties to bird watching clubs beginning next fall.  

“I think it’ll work out great,” said Congressman Cubby Wunch, who authored the legislation.  “It’ll save taxpayers millions of dollars, and besides, bird watchers are already used to standing for long periods of time looking through binoculars.”

Rep. Cubby Wunch

Wunch also announced that he plans to resign from Congress next month in order to spend more time with someone else’s family.  “My family is okay,” he explained.  “But I really like my neighbor’s wife and kids more.” 

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AVIATION NEWS: TSA BLOWS UP SUSPICIOUS PASSENGER

TSA officers blew up an unidentified airline passenger today after he started acting suspiciously, said an agency spokesman.  

“The male subject was very nervous, had no identification or luggage, and refused to take off his shoes,” said TSA spokesman Pablo Watanabe.

“We dealt with the situation the same way we handle a suspicious package,” Watanabe explained.  “First, we had a dog smell him.  Then, we squirted him with a water cannon, but he was still acting suspiciously, so we had no choice but to blow him up.”  

Officials say no one else was injured and the suspect was moved to a remote location at the airport before being detonated.  No flight delays resulted from the incident, although most of the airlines were late anyway.

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CITY TO INSTALL AIRBAGS IN LAMPPOSTS TO PROTECT TEXTING PEDESTRIANS

The city council last night voted to spend nearly a quarter million dollars to install automotive-type airbags on all downtown lampposts.  The decision came after dozens of pedestrians have reportedly been injured over the past few years after colliding with posts while texting.

“This is a real problem.  Half our young people are walking around with chipped front teeth and squashed noses,” said city councilman Cletus Wongwood.

Testifying before the council was 22-year-old Reisling Custinudder, whose face was bruised and bandaged after she walked into a post while texting.  

Because of her large bandages, her testimony was largely unintelligible, but it sounded something like, “Brruee magoff prppertinfner welgen seefer.”  The entire council nodded in agreement and then unanimously approved the expenditure.

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FORMER TONIGHT SHOW HOST LENO ABANDONS HUNDREDS OF CARS IN NBC LOT

The parking lot at NBC’s Burbank Studios is stuffed with cars.  But they all belong to one person–former Tonight Show host Jay Leno.  And NBC would like him to come and pick them up.  “He just left them.  And, of course, there aren’t any Cobras or Ferrari’s–it’s all just junk,” complained Darwood Sickles, the NBC executive in charge of the Burbank studios.

Employees inventory vehicles abandoned by comedian
Jay Leno after he left the Tonight Show

According to registration records, Leno owns approximately 51-million vehicles, or about 20% of all cars, trucks and SUVs in the US.   That’s more vehicles than the fleets of Hertz, FedEx, UPS, and the U.S. Postal Service combined.  

Sickles said Leno would frequently drive one vehicle to work and leave it there, never to use it again. 

“He left about 50 old Buick Riattas, a Mitsubishi Starion with no engine or interior, and, for some reason, about 200 beat-up Olds Achievas,” Sickles said while walking through the lot.  “We’re taking an inventory now and getting ready to call in the tow trucks.  It pisses me off.”

According to Sickles, the only vehicle abandoned by Leno that might be of any value is the world’s only steam-powered Volvo PV544.  “We might get a grand for it if we can find some museum that wants a steam-engined Volvo.”

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NEW FUEL NOZZLE PROMISES RELIEF FOR “LEFTIES”

Mention “Lefties” and “Righties” and someone will assume you’re ranting about politics.  But not this time.  We’re referring to which side your vehicle’s gas filler door is on, and in this case, there are a whole lot more lefties than righties.  

“It’s not fair.  I always have to wait in a much longer line than those people,” complained motorist Candelabra Fopp.  “Righties cruise right up to the pump.  I usually get stuck behind at least two or three cars,” she added as as she gassed up her Daihatsu Charade.  “It’s not fair.”

But relief may be in sight for Fopp and other exasperated “lefties.” A new extended fuel nozzle called the AmbiGas, which allows motorists to refuel from either side is in the final stages of testing and could show up at a gas station near you by late summer.   

“It’s pretty neat,” said Cord Goots, spokesman for AmbiGas, LLC.  “You can stand on one side of the car while refueling on the other side.  Heck, you could probably even have a smoke while you’re pumping gas, although we don’t recommend it,” said Goots, smiling.

The AmbiGas nozzle allows motorists to fill up from
either side of their vehicle
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NEW 10-SPEED TRANSMISSION LEADS TO SHIFTER PLATE PROBLEMS

General Motors and Ford are hard at work designing a new 10-speed automatic transmission for use by both automakers, and while the transmission itself is almost ready for production, the design of the shifter plate is holding up its debut.

“With ten speeds, we thought it would be best for the shifter plate to be labeled ‘P, R, N, D, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L’,” said GM spokesperson Yehudi “Tex” Rodriguez.  

But Ford has what they say is a better idea.  “We think it should be labeled ‘P, R, N, D, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and I’, said Ford engineer Eunice Toots.

“Ours is easier to say, just say ‘PrindLLLLLLLLL’,” said Rodriguez.  “But Ford’s comes out sounding like ‘Prindabcadefgahi’, which sounds like a cafe in Mumbai.”

Toots counters that PRNDLLLLLLLLL will lead to driver confusion.  “How the ‘L’ will the driver know which ‘L’ he or she is in?” she asked sarcastically. 

Both companies say the issue will be resolved soon.  “We both agree on PRND, so we’re nearly  halfway there,” agreed Rodriguez and Toots.

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