“HERE’S YOUR ****ING ROUND TAILLIGHTS,” SAYS ANGRY CHEVROLET

PISSED OFF GM RELEASES TEASER PHOTO OF 2016 CORVETTE
GM says this is the ’16 Corvette
“We’ve had enough of these whiners who complain the Corvette’s taillights look like a Camaro’s. You want round?  We’ll give you round, you ****heads!”  

Statement released today by Chevrolet  (edited for clarity)

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AVIATION NEWS

BOEING’S NEW JeTRAILER MAKES DEBUT 
Artist’s depiction of the new Boeing JeTrailer being towed
behind a B-737 aircraft
Boeing today unveiled its innovative new JeTrailer, an engineless winged fuselage that is designed to be towed behind a jetliner.  According to the company, the JeTrailer will allow airlines flying only smaller jets–such as Southwest with its all-Boeing 737 fleet–to carry more passengers without having to purchase larger aircraft.  
The JeTrailer can carry 60 to 75 passengers depending on the seating configuration, and features a large front windshield which provides passengers with a view forward rather than being limited to peering out small side windows.  

“Let me tell you what, it’s pretty damned thrilling looking out that front window during a landing,” laughed Boeing Marketing Director Speckles Thompson.     

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CITY’S EXPERIMENT USING FOOD-BASED STREET STRIPING A FAILURE

Opossums and feral cats have licked up
more than 18 miles of roadway striping

Public works crews have spent the past year re-striping more than 40 miles of city streets using an organic food-based paint.  

But the city now acknowledges the experiment has been a failure and they’ll go back to using old-fashioned water-based pavement paint.

“Here we’re trying to do something good for the environment and the (expletive) possums and cats keep licking off all my (expletive) stripes,” complained Public Works Director Buddy Chuck Polumbo.  “Now we have to go back and re-stripe everything.  Little bastards.”

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CADILLAC TO BLEND OLD AND NEW DESIGNS

Is this the 2018 Cadillac ATS?

There’s no denying that Cadillac’s distinctive Art and Science design philosophy has been a big success.  

But unnamed GM sources tell Parksplug that in an effort to pay homage to its past, Cadillac plans to blend more traditional styling cues with newer designs, beginning with the next-generation ATS.

Options will reportedly include an  iPhone/iPod-ready Wonderbar AM radio and an Autronic Eye headlight dimmer.  No release date has been announced.

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BMW TO ADD ROBOT VACUUM CLEANER TO ITS LINEUP

BMW MVac

In an effort to leave no marketing opportunities unfulfilled, BMW announced today that it will add a high-performance robot vacuum cleaner to its lineup.

The MVac, which will hit the market this summer, will feature an aluminum dust bin and cleaning head along with high-performance motors and HEPA air filters.  

Carbon fiber construction keeps weight down to 8.0 pounds, which BMW says should result in a 0-to-across-the-living-room time of approximately three seconds.  Although the price has not been announced, BMW has confirmed it will charge $75 extra for metallic paint.

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STUDY SHOWS STRANGE SIMILARITY AMONG RANGE ROVER EVOQUE BUYERS

August Foloney poses in front of the new
Range Rover Evoque he just purchased

Purchasers of the distinctive, hot-selling Range Rover Evoque are themselves unique, according to a new study of SUV buyers.  

In addition to belonging to a buyer demographic that is younger and more affluent than most, Evoque purchasers also tend to look similar to the vehicle itself.

“It’s very unusual, said automobile demographics researcher Marynice Chodd.  “The only other time we’ve noticed this is with Nissan Juke buyers.  They tend to have large jowls, squinty eyes and a single large front tooth.”  

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NIKE’S NEW SHOE CAR

Nike today unveiled their eagerly anticipated two-seat shoe roadster, the Nike Air Sneakster.  

The vehicle, displayed at the company’s  Oregon headquarters, is constructed almost entirely of shoe components and will be available beginning this summer in a variety of sizes and colors.  Some of the features of the new roadster include:

  • Elastic mesh body panels that flex upon impact, keeping occupants safer on the road
  • A gel suspension instead of traditional shock absorbers that lessens impacts and provides a smoother ride
  • Durable, dent resistant blown rubber exterior 
  • Cushioned insole floor mats and gas and brake pedals
Nike has also announced a new slogan that will accompany the car’s release:  “Just Drive It.”   
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LOCAL RED LIGHT CAMERA REPLACED BY PHOTO-SNAPPING WORKER

Traffic Monitor Dale Fergerman aims
his camera at a red light violator

Red light cameras can generate significant revenue for local governments, but they’re also expensive to buy and maintain.  That’s why one local government has dumped its camera in favor of an employee with a camera perched in a seat high above the intersection.

“Red light camera systems cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, but we pay Dale minimum wage and buy him a Subway combo when he comes down off the light post,” said Streets and Highways Department Manager Dick Bob Zindle.  

He was referring to traffic monitor Dale Fergerman, who spends several hours each day high above the intersection snapping photographs of red light violators.  

“It’s really worked out well…except for the time Dale fell out of his chair and landed on a nun in the crosswalk below.  We bought her a sandwich.  She was very nice about it,” said Zindle.

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FIRST PHOTOS! 2015 CADILLAC ESCALATOR!

2015 Cadillac Escalator

EXCLUSIVE:  CADILLAC’S EYE-OPENING NEW SUV

Cadillac describes it as “the most unique vehicle of our time,” and we at Parksplug are inclined to agree.  “There’s nothing else like the 2015 Escalator,” said Cadillac Marketing Director Yodart Munger proudly.  “It’s our most exciting design since the 80’s Seville bustle back.”

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IS THIS GILLETTE’S NEW SUV?

RAZOR COMPANY TO JOIN RANKS OF AUTOMAKERS WITH DEBUT OF MACH 4X4?

New Gillette 4X4 features titanium blades
and lubrication strip
Razor manufacturer Gillette today released a teaser photograph of its first vehicle, the four-wheel-drive Mach 4X4.  

Gillette Marketing Manger Beebeelynn Gnartoff claimed the SUV has features not offered by other automakers.  “It’s the only vehicle with a grill that has double ultra-thin cutting foils plus three lower titanium blades with a lubrication strip,” said Gnartoff.    
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