Parksplug

VW BUS LOSES RACE TO MOVING SIDEWALK

After the race, Tongas Leeper laughs it up while loser Squeezer Snopf, in driver’s seat, cries uncontrollably

At first, 79-year-old Tongas Leeper seemed nervous.  But one minute later it was all over and he triumphantly held his plastic trophy high.

Leeper, standing motionless on a Fexler Industries F-470 moving sidewalk, reached the race’s finish line long before the old bus.  “They had already presented me with my trophy by the time the VW crossed the finish line,” Leeper said proudly.

In the driver’s seat of the 1973 Volkswagen Type 2 Bus, which is a long-term Parksplug test vehicle, was junior editor Dewey “Squeezer” Snopf, who buried his face in his hands and cried his eyes out.  At press time, Parksplug officials had not decided whether to terminate Snopf’s employment or install a turbocharger on the bus’s engine.

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

Ford F-350 “Triply””Why have only four rear wheels when you can have six?” Ford Chargé d’affaires for Trucks With Six or More Wheels Barium Figg

OFFICIALS DEMAND THAT MOTORISTS QUIT USING AEDs TO JUMPSTART DEAD BATTERIES

SPIED!  FORD F-350 ONE-TON TRIPLY CAUGHT ON CAMERA DURING SOMEWHAT NICE WEATHER TESTING

AIRBAG DEPLOYMENT DURING CRASH LEADS TO ACCIDENTAL SEX CHANGE

“I felt really bad for him.  Or her.  Or they.  The victim, I mean.”
Police Officer Corky Pundleman 

SEGWAY LIMO TO BE DROPPED DUE TO POOR SALES

Segway Limo:  “We sold a half-dozen in Portland, but that was about it.” Apollo Phunt,  White Collar Segway Employee

NEW NISSAN ARGUMA IS JUST THE CAR FOR FEUDING COUPLES

No argument about it, Nissan will have a winner on its hands with its new Arguma.  “We routinely have couples come into our dealerships who argue about which car to buy and how much to spend,” said Nissan spokesperson Daisuke Von Adlersflügel.  “And then they argue about everything else–their kids,  their in-laws, dealer undercoating, it just goes on and on.  We saw a market there.”  

2015 Nissan Arguma features split, soundproof interiors

So, next year, Nissan’s unique new Arguma will join the lineup.  The sedan’s interior is divided into two separate areas with lots of soundproofing in between, the automaker claims.  

When shown a photograph of the car, Sissie and Blix, who argued about which last name they prefer to use, expressed interest in the car.  “I like it, but she won’t,” said Blix.  Sissie responded, “Hey (expletive), I happen to like it, so shut the (expletive) up.”   Nissan says the #@&%ing Arguma will arrive at dealerships in September.

UPDATE:  Here comes the Honda Discord!  
Just hours after Nissan’s Arguma was unveiled, Honda announced it will introduce its own model that targets bickering motorists called the Honda Discord.  The automaker did not release a photo or many details, but did claim the Discord’s styling will be “quite different” from the Arguma.  “Their car looks like a pair of ugly glasses,” said Honda spokeswoman Fresnel Popper.    

NEW STICK-ON DOG HEAD PERFECT FOR NON-PET OWNING DRIVERS

The Glass Lassie Golden Retriever model

A happy dog hanging its head out of a car window on a spring afternoon–it’s a sight guaranteed to bring a smile to anyone’s face.  And now, thanks to the Glass Lassie suction cup mounted dog head, even motorists without pets can join in the fun.

“I live in a small yurt and can’t have a dog,” explained 28-year-old Awabancha tea brewer Nutmeg Gooey, who had to stop mid-sentence when her silver tongue stud became lodged in the pronounced gap between her front teeth.  “Anyway,” she continued, “I got a Glass Lassie and stuck it on my car window and now everybody honks and waves.  It’s great!”

The Glass Lassie is available in most breeds, including uncommon mixes like the French Peagle and Pit Poo.  The company also sells hypo-allergenic dog poop bags made from hemp and silk cocoons.

NASA NEWS: LIFELESS MAJOR TOM FLOATS BY SPACE STATION WINDOW

Body of Major Tom floats past space station

LED BROWS HOT NEW TREND FOR AUDI OWNERS

New Audi TT owner Starlet Quank shows off her new LED eyebrows

The first time Starlet Quank gazed upon the shimmering LED running lights on the front of a new Audi TT, she was mesmerized.  “I just had to have that car!” she gushed.

But Starlet also wanted a pair of LED lights for herself.  “I was looking through the brochure and saw the new LED eyebrows for Audi owners and, of course, I wanted them right away,” she said.

“Audi buyers love to accessorize,” explained Audi spokesperson Ecoli Ralph.  “We’re introducing an entire line of products, including LED earrings and dental grills.  One of our customers had Audi side blades tattooed onto the sides of his face.  It was captivating.”

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

“I like potatoes better,” growled motorcycle enthusiast Myles “Mayhem” Keebler

IN EFFORT TO PROMOTE HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE, HARLEY-DAVIDSON TO REPLACE POTATO, POTATO POTATO ENGINE SOUND WITH BRUSSELS SPROUTS, BRUSSELS SPROUTS, BRUSSELS SPROUTS

No one was injured when this party bus flipped over.  Police said the driver lost control when obese pole dancer Liesel Stump began gyrating

TWIRLING OBESE POLE DANCER ON PARTY BUS CAUSES VEHICLE TO OVERTURN

HEY, THE TOYOTA 4RUNNER DOESN’T LOOK ANY WORSE UPSIDE-DOWN!

BEFORE

According to a recently released poll of SUV enthusiasts, every single one of them was “aghast” at the front-end styling of the new-for-2014 Toyota 4Runner.

Naturally, we wondered if it would look better upside-down, so, employing a Milwaukee 12-amp Sawzall reciprocating saw and a can of Super Sticky Wicket industrial adhesive, we inverted the front end.  The consensus?  It didn’t look any better, but it didn’t look worse, either.

AFTER Note:  Please keep cats away from industrial adhesives.  Cletus is fine but will “hang” with “Willem” for several days

“I like the change.  It looks like there are quotation marks on either side of the grille,” said respondent Cheerio Sakamoto, who added, “I thought the original front end looked too much like Willem Dafoe.”

OVERHAULIN’S CHIP FOOSE STYMIED BY FIAT MULTIPLA

Automotive designer Chip Foose, who has fabricated hundreds of award-winning custom vehicles, broke down on the set of his television show Overhaulin’ last week after spending nearly the entire alotted week trying without success to come up with an idea, any idea, for customizing a 1959 Fiat Multipla.

Chip Foose tries in vain to produce a design for the Fiat behind him.

“I feel bad for Chip,” Overhaulin’ team member Wrigley Bulboff said while caressing a rubber bushing.  “He just sits there muttering to himself and sketching for hours on end surrounded by a huge pile of crumpled drawings.”

The team typically has seven days to produce a design and complete the project, and the deadline looms just 12 hours away.  “I guess if he doesn’t come up with something, we’ll just put in a new stereo and spray some Armor All on it,” said Bulboff.

SALES OF AIRPORT TUGS SOAR AS BIG SUVs DISAPPEAR

Fans of large, body-on-frame SUVs are finding they have fewer models to choose from than just a few years ago.  While sales of smaller crossover utility vehicles continue to skyrocket, the smaller, lightweight vehicles often don’t meet the needs of many active families who carry a lot of gear and tow boats or trailers.

Enter the new Runway Funway.  Powered by a Cummins six-cylinder diesel boasting 1,080 lb. ft. of torque, the Funway is brawny enough to tow nearly anything on wheels.

The Runway Funway is adapted from an airport tug, so there’s no shortage of towing capacity

The Runway Funway–adapted from a heavy-duty airport “pushback” tug–can be fitted with optional living quarters for up to eight people and still have plenty of room for motorcycles, ATVs and other toys.  

Oh, and about that towing capacity:  Funway owner Gleason Milkner, a retiree who suffers from chronic electrical surges in his neck and probably shouldn’t be driving at all, told Parksplug he once inadvertently dragged his  39′ travel trailer 400 miles before realizing the trailer brakes were locked.  “It sure was smoky,” he laughed.