CITY TO INSTALL AIRBAGS IN LAMPPOSTS TO PROTECT TEXTING PEDESTRIANS

The city council last night voted to spend nearly a quarter million dollars to install automotive-type airbags on all downtown lampposts.  The decision came after dozens of pedestrians have reportedly been injured over the past few years after colliding with posts while texting.

“This is a real problem.  Half our young people are walking around with chipped front teeth and squashed noses,” said city councilman Cletus Wongwood.

Testifying before the council was 22-year-old Reisling Custinudder, whose face was bruised and bandaged after she walked into a post while texting.  

Because of her large bandages, her testimony was largely unintelligible, but it sounded something like, “Brruee magoff prppertinfner welgen seefer.”  The entire council nodded in agreement and then unanimously approved the expenditure.

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FORMER TONIGHT SHOW HOST LENO ABANDONS HUNDREDS OF CARS IN NBC LOT

The parking lot at NBC’s Burbank Studios is stuffed with cars.  But they all belong to one person–former Tonight Show host Jay Leno.  And NBC would like him to come and pick them up.  “He just left them.  And, of course, there aren’t any Cobras or Ferrari’s–it’s all just junk,” complained Darwood Sickles, the NBC executive in charge of the Burbank studios.

Employees inventory vehicles abandoned by comedian
Jay Leno after he left the Tonight Show

According to registration records, Leno owns approximately 51-million vehicles, or about 20% of all cars, trucks and SUVs in the US.   That’s more vehicles than the fleets of Hertz, FedEx, UPS, and the U.S. Postal Service combined.  

Sickles said Leno would frequently drive one vehicle to work and leave it there, never to use it again. 

“He left about 50 old Buick Riattas, a Mitsubishi Starion with no engine or interior, and, for some reason, about 200 beat-up Olds Achievas,” Sickles said while walking through the lot.  “We’re taking an inventory now and getting ready to call in the tow trucks.  It pisses me off.”

According to Sickles, the only vehicle abandoned by Leno that might be of any value is the world’s only steam-powered Volvo PV544.  “We might get a grand for it if we can find some museum that wants a steam-engined Volvo.”

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NEW FUEL NOZZLE PROMISES RELIEF FOR “LEFTIES”

Mention “Lefties” and “Righties” and someone will assume you’re ranting about politics.  But not this time.  We’re referring to which side your vehicle’s gas filler door is on, and in this case, there are a whole lot more lefties than righties.  

“It’s not fair.  I always have to wait in a much longer line than those people,” complained motorist Candelabra Fopp.  “Righties cruise right up to the pump.  I usually get stuck behind at least two or three cars,” she added as as she gassed up her Daihatsu Charade.  “It’s not fair.”

But relief may be in sight for Fopp and other exasperated “lefties.” A new extended fuel nozzle called the AmbiGas, which allows motorists to refuel from either side is in the final stages of testing and could show up at a gas station near you by late summer.   

“It’s pretty neat,” said Cord Goots, spokesman for AmbiGas, LLC.  “You can stand on one side of the car while refueling on the other side.  Heck, you could probably even have a smoke while you’re pumping gas, although we don’t recommend it,” said Goots, smiling.

The AmbiGas nozzle allows motorists to fill up from
either side of their vehicle
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NEW 10-SPEED TRANSMISSION LEADS TO SHIFTER PLATE PROBLEMS

General Motors and Ford are hard at work designing a new 10-speed automatic transmission for use by both automakers, and while the transmission itself is almost ready for production, the design of the shifter plate is holding up its debut.

“With ten speeds, we thought it would be best for the shifter plate to be labeled ‘P, R, N, D, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L’,” said GM spokesperson Yehudi “Tex” Rodriguez.  

But Ford has what they say is a better idea.  “We think it should be labeled ‘P, R, N, D, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and I’, said Ford engineer Eunice Toots.

“Ours is easier to say, just say ‘PrindLLLLLLLLL’,” said Rodriguez.  “But Ford’s comes out sounding like ‘Prindabcadefgahi’, which sounds like a cafe in Mumbai.”

Toots counters that PRNDLLLLLLLLL will lead to driver confusion.  “How the ‘L’ will the driver know which ‘L’ he or she is in?” she asked sarcastically. 

Both companies say the issue will be resolved soon.  “We both agree on PRND, so we’re nearly  halfway there,” agreed Rodriguez and Toots.

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EXPERT OPINION: WHY GAS PRICES ARE RISING

While they might not seem cheap, gasoline prices have actually fallen since 2012.  But experts are warning drivers to get ready to pay more at the pump.  To find out what causes gas prices to spike, Parksplug reached out to oil industry analyst Marcus Danderlog.  Here’s his explanation:  

“First, we’re getting kind of close to the time of year that we

change from the winter blend of gasoline to the summer blend, which requires a lot of blending.  Plus mixing.  Mixing and blending.  
They even have to hand-stir it with a large boat oar which is very labor intensive.  The summer blend also has more summery stuff in it which costs more but helps reduce emissions like nitrous oxide.  That’s laughing gas, and we don’t want laughing gas in our air.  Also, a couple hundred people who got laid off during the recession found new jobs, so they’re driving more and that affects supply.  And then, there’s maintenance.  We hate to do it, but we usually have to perform maintenance on all the refineries at the same time for some reason, so there’s another supply issue.  And, oh yeah, one time there was a fire at a refinery and we had to raise prices.”  

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“HERE’S YOUR ****ING ROUND TAILLIGHTS,” SAYS ANGRY CHEVROLET

PISSED OFF GM RELEASES TEASER PHOTO OF 2016 CORVETTE
GM says this is the ’16 Corvette
“We’ve had enough of these whiners who complain the Corvette’s taillights look like a Camaro’s. You want round?  We’ll give you round, you ****heads!”  

Statement released today by Chevrolet  (edited for clarity)

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AVIATION NEWS

BOEING’S NEW JeTRAILER MAKES DEBUT 
Artist’s depiction of the new Boeing JeTrailer being towed
behind a B-737 aircraft
Boeing today unveiled its innovative new JeTrailer, an engineless winged fuselage that is designed to be towed behind a jetliner.  According to the company, the JeTrailer will allow airlines flying only smaller jets–such as Southwest with its all-Boeing 737 fleet–to carry more passengers without having to purchase larger aircraft.  
The JeTrailer can carry 60 to 75 passengers depending on the seating configuration, and features a large front windshield which provides passengers with a view forward rather than being limited to peering out small side windows.  

“Let me tell you what, it’s pretty damned thrilling looking out that front window during a landing,” laughed Boeing Marketing Director Speckles Thompson.     

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CITY’S EXPERIMENT USING FOOD-BASED STREET STRIPING A FAILURE

Opossums and feral cats have licked up
more than 18 miles of roadway striping

Public works crews have spent the past year re-striping more than 40 miles of city streets using an organic food-based paint.  

But the city now acknowledges the experiment has been a failure and they’ll go back to using old-fashioned water-based pavement paint.

“Here we’re trying to do something good for the environment and the (expletive) possums and cats keep licking off all my (expletive) stripes,” complained Public Works Director Buddy Chuck Polumbo.  “Now we have to go back and re-stripe everything.  Little bastards.”

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CADILLAC TO BLEND OLD AND NEW DESIGNS

Is this the 2018 Cadillac ATS?

There’s no denying that Cadillac’s distinctive Art and Science design philosophy has been a big success.  

But unnamed GM sources tell Parksplug that in an effort to pay homage to its past, Cadillac plans to blend more traditional styling cues with newer designs, beginning with the next-generation ATS.

Options will reportedly include an  iPhone/iPod-ready Wonderbar AM radio and an Autronic Eye headlight dimmer.  No release date has been announced.

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BMW TO ADD ROBOT VACUUM CLEANER TO ITS LINEUP

BMW MVac

In an effort to leave no marketing opportunities unfulfilled, BMW announced today that it will add a high-performance robot vacuum cleaner to its lineup.

The MVac, which will hit the market this summer, will feature an aluminum dust bin and cleaning head along with high-performance motors and HEPA air filters.  

Carbon fiber construction keeps weight down to 8.0 pounds, which BMW says should result in a 0-to-across-the-living-room time of approximately three seconds.  Although the price has not been announced, BMW has confirmed it will charge $75 extra for metallic paint.

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