Updated on November 5, 2015
MAGNETIC SIGN ASSOCIATION DECRIES FORD’S ALUMINUM-BODIED F-150
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| Magnetic sign association spokesman Jesus Wang tears up at press conference |
At a news conference today, a spokesman for the nation’s largest magnetic sign association alleged that, “Ford is out to kill the magnetic sign industry with their new aluminum F-150 and someone needs to do something about it.”
Magnetic Sign Guild spokesman Jesus Wang explained that aluminum is nonmagnetic and “those magnificent signs featuring smiling realtors and leafy Herbalife ads just won’t stick to it.”
Wang broke down in tears and had to be led away from the podium, but returned after resting and blowing his nose.
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| Magnetic signs: A thing of the past? |
When one reporter asked Wang if an aluminum vehicle would use less fuel than a steel-bodied one, Wang roared, “Well, that don’t matter if all those plumbers and Merry Maids don’t have jobs because their signs don’t stick!”
Asked for comment, Ford spokesperson Chiclet Donahoo stated, “Maybe they could just tape the sign on the truck.”
Updated on November 5, 2015
ELON MUSK’S COMPANIES TESLA AND SpaceX COLLABORATE ON MODEL S EJECTION SEAT
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| Engineer Orchid Platt recently escaped injury when she separated from the ejection seat during testing. |
Two of Elon Musk’s companies, automaker Tesla and rocket manufacturer SpaceX are said to be in the final testing phase of an ejection seat for the Model S.
“This will be a feature offered by no other automaker,” said Tesla spokesperson Epiphanie Moot. “We believe it will be especially popular with carpoolers, as it really speeds up the dropping-off process.”
Tesla hopes to offer the seats within six months, although Moot acknowledged engineers were still working out some bugs. “During our last test, the ejectee separated from the seat. She was woozy, but okay.”
Updated on November 5, 2015
COMMUTERS COMPLAIN ABOUT SWEDISH DAY LABORERS BLOCKING TRAFFIC NEAR IKEA STORE
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| A man who identified himself only as Haldor approaches traffic in front of the Ikea store. “I need work. I build boats,” he said. |
Police are cracking down after receiving complaints from motorists about a large group of Swedish day laborers that approach drivers stopped at the red light in front of the Ikea store.
“I know they’re just looking for a job,” said motorist Bucolia Abisco, “but they walk right up to my car window holding a carpenter’s axe in one hand and a mug of Bryggkaffee Mörkrost in the other. They ask if I need any boats built. It’s scary.”
According to Abisco, she reluctantly switched from Ikea to Bed, Bath and Beyond. “But, I really miss my Skorpor Fullkorn every morning,” she said forlornly.
Updated on November 5, 2015
ONE-INCH KEYSTONE PIPELINE APPROVED
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| One-inch Keystone XL pipeline, shown here, will deliver a couple of gallons of crude oil per day |
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| TransCanada’s T. Boone Wormley |
However, TransCanada, the company that will operate the pipeline, expressed disappointment with the agreement. ”Jesus Murphy, instead of 830,000 barrels a day, we’ll be lucky to get a gallon through this measly pipe,” said exasperated company spokesman T. Boone Wormley.
Updated on November 5, 2015
HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES
PORSCHE GT3 OWNERS PROHIBITED FROM
DRIVING ON NO-BURN DAYS
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| Dinan Isetta |
BMW TUNER DINAN TO OFFER HIGH-PERFORMANCE ISETTA PARTS
CAUGHT ON CAMERA! ASTON-MARTIN’S NEW
CENTER CONSOLE MOUNTED ATM
“That’s way cooler than an infomercial screen.” Aston-Martin blogger Algernon Stignitt
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| Aston-Martin Rapide with center console ATM |
THOUSANDS OF ANGRY CUSTOMERS SIGN PETITION DEMANDING THAT HOME DEPOT, “STOP HONKING THOSE DAMN FORKLIFT HORNS!”
Updated on November 5, 2015
HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES:
GM RECALLS EVERY VEHICLE THEY’VE EVER BUILT…EXCEPT THIS ONE
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| Some business owners complain that parking spaces for the homely are located too close to buildings |
“THEY NEED TO PARK FATHER OUT. THEY’RE SCARING OUR CUSTOMERS,” SAID ONE MERCHANT. —–>
Updated on November 5, 2015
BAUSCH AND LOMB UNVEILS PRESCRIPTION WINDSHIELD
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| Prescription vs regular windshield: Upper portion of windshield features prescription glass; blurry lower half does not. Courtesy Bausch and Lomb |
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| Bausch and Lomb’s Wañda Mañaña |
Optical company Bausch and Lomb today introduced what they claim is the world’s first prescription vehicle windshield. “With this wonderful new product, drivers can leave their glasses at home,” said Bausch spokesperson Wañda Mañaña.
The company will offer a full line of prescription windshields, including bifocal, trifocal, quad focal and UV blockers.
Bausch and Lomb declined to discuss pricing, but did note that vision insurance will pick up some of the cost of the prescription windshield.
Updated on November 5, 2015
POUNDING ON BUTTON OVER AND OVER REALLY DOES MAKE THE “WALK” LIGHT CHANGE FASTER
According to a University of Puyallup research project, pushing the crosswalk button more frequently and with greater force actually does make the “walk” light change faster.
The project, funded by a $4,000,000 grant from the U.S. Department of Transportation, showed that forcibly hitting the button repeatedly reduced pedestrians’ waiting time by an average of three yoctoseconds.
Updated on November 2, 2016
WHY FLOOR MATS COST SO MUCH
A set of automobile floor mats can cost more than $200. To many people, that price seems exorbitant for a product consisting of four small plastic squares or rectangles. So Parksplug asked Pat Fisselouver of Pat and Pat’s Mats, a top online supplier of vehicle floor mats, why the price is so high.
PP: Mat, why are mats so expensive?
Pat:: My name is Pat, not Mat.
PP: Sorry. Your company is called Pat and Pat’s Mats. Which Pat are you?
Pat: The other one.
PP: Pat, why are Pat and Pat’s Mats so expensive?
Pat: Pat and Pat’s Mats mats are not just mats. We like to call them automotive flooring protection systems.
PP: Do you actually call them that?
Pat:: No.
PP: Isn’t $200 for a set of floor mats a bit steep?
Pat: There’s a lot of costly skill and technology involved in making Pat and Pat’s Mats. For example, all our mats have sculpted channels to trap water, dirt and small animals. We have a gifted Italian sculptor named Aldo Abatesciannidebene who carves each channel by hand. We wooed him away from the soap industry, where he carved the words “Irish Spring” into millions of bars of soap.
PP: How are Pat and Pat’s Mats made?
Pat:: Ah, I love to talk about our manufacturing process. I think you’d find it very interesting.
PP: Great. Go ahead.
Pat:: I can’t. It’s a trade secret.
PP: Darn.
Pat: But I can tell you that we use a lot of resins. Expensive, gooey resins. And molds and other stuff, too.
PP: And that justifies the high price?
Pat:: Did I tell you Aldo is leaving to return to Irish Spring?
PP: No, you didn’t mention that.
Pat: Do you sculpt?
Updated on November 5, 2015
CALIFORNIA SEEKING VOLUNTEER DRIVERS TO TRANSPORT SALMON DUE TO DROUGHT
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| Salmon fingerling gets ride in Andalusia Dank’s car |
California’s severe drought has left rivers too dry for salmon to migrate on their own, so the state is asking for volunteer drivers to provide rides for the fish from hatcheries to rivers near the ocean.
“We have about 30-million fish to move, so we’re looking for maybe ten million volunteer drivers,” said state fisheries spokesman Garth Spleerman. “And if each volunteer transported four or five fish we’d only need six million drivers.”
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| Andalusia Dank laughs as salmon fingerling spins in circles inside bowl |
One of the first to volunteer was 47-year old Andalusia Dank. “I’m taking only one fish because I really want to bond with her during the trip,” Dank explained as she gently placed a bowl containing the fingerling on the passenger seat of her Toyota Prius.
Dank quickly swirled the water in the bowl with her finger, and watched with joy as the resulting whirlpool enveloped the spinning two-inch-long fish. “Wheeee!” shouted the ebulient Dank.
Those interested in becoming a volunteer fish driver should contact the State of California Department of Fisheries. Ask for Augie.
