Updated on February 14, 2018
A five-person task force charged with finding new ways to eradicate turbo lag can be lazy and ineffectual one second and then spring to life almost uncontrollably the next, complained Dingdong Rodriguez, a facilitator trying to motivate the group.
“It’s aggravating,” said Rodriguez. “I sit there waiting for them to do something — anything,” she said. “And then, all of a sudden, without notice — WHAM! — they spring to life and go like hell. When that happens, it’s often difficult to control them.”
“Someone suggested giving them nitrous oxide,” said Rodriguez. “But that just made them giggle and complain of feeling ‘tingly’ all over.”
Posted on February 9, 2018
Now, Armor All is adding another product to its portfolio of waxes, cleaners and protectants. “With Armor All Bald we’re targeting bald customers who desire a brilliant head shine,” said spokesperson Taffy Gabby Wooten. “And just like our other protectants, Armor All Bald not only prevents premature cracking, but also provides necessary emollients.”
“I wouldn’t know an emollient from an embryo,” admitted Armor All Bald customer Biff Dixon. But I like the way water beads up on my head when it rains.”
Posted on February 6, 2018
Nike has filed a cease and desist order against Lexus, claiming the automaker copied the footwear company’s “swoosh” logo for the front LED lights on a number of Lexus models.
“It’s way too “swooshie,” Nike attorney Dollop Fenkersley said of the Lexus design. “We’re demanding they cease and desist and change it, maybe to an ampersand or an arrow or something.”
When asked to comment, Lexus spokesperson Sneed Elliott slowly replied, “I’m confused. Aren’t “cease” and “desist” basically the same thing? Besides, our design is not a swoosh, it’s sort of a wingding.”
Upon hearing that, Microsoft, owner the wingding trademark also immediately filed suit against Lexus.
Posted on January 31, 2018
Minivans are among the most practical vehicles on the road. It’s just that nobody wants to be seen driving one.
But a company called Vincent Van Nose is now producing a stick-on front clip that they say gives minivans a more macho, SUV-like appearance. “It’s much more aggressive look,” claimed Bosco Trotsky, a spokesperson for the manufacturer.
The fiberglass nose, which the company says is easily attached using a combination of suction cups, staples and Velcro strips, fits Chrysler vans as well as the Honda Odyssey and Toyota Sienna.
Poochie Windegard, a mother of three, outfitted her Sienna with Vincent Van Nose’s Toyota Sequoia-like front end and then added some TRD stickers she peeled off a parked Tacoma to complete the look. “I gotta tell you…since we installed the new nose on the van, my self-esteem has skyrocketed.”
Posted on January 26, 2018
Dogs have played a prominent role in Subaru’s advertising for years, but now it appears the canines are out.
“We were stunned when we heard the news,” said downtrodden Subaru spokesman Mert Sudge. “We had a very good relationship with the dogs, plus the commercials worked really well for us.”
“To be truthful, none of us really like Subarus,” said Cooper, a tan Border Pug who wanted to be identified only by his first name, which is all he has anyway. “The rear windows don’t roll down all the way…how the hell am I supposed to stick my head out?”
Sudge said Subaru hasn’t made a decision on the direction of future commercials. “Somebody suggested trying cats, but I don’t think they’ll give up their Roombas,” he said, shaking his head.
Updated on January 26, 2018
|“This is my last giant bow,” lamented Mercedes dealer Jeasle Pinderhoof.
“And it’s the wrong color for Valentine’s Day.”
A shortage of giant, colorful bows has car dealers scrambling to find replacements just days before the big Valentine’s Day Sales Event.
“This shortage couldn’t have come at a worse time,” said crestfallen Mercedes-Benz dealer Jeasle Pinderhoof as he shook his head and brushed his tongue against his yellowish upper molar, a tooth that dentists would refer to as number 14. “I have one big bow left, and it’s a blue one. I’m completely out of red ones, and red, of course, is the official color of Valentine’s Day. You don’t give your sweetheart blue roses, do you?” he said with tears welling in his eyes.
“We’ve got a huge inventory of vehicles and the financing is the best it’s ever been, including rates as low as 2.5% for up to 72 months,” said Pinderhoof, who added, “Of course that’s on approval of credit, and rates, terms and conditions are subject to change without notice. We just don’t have any damn giant bows!”
Sucaryl Sobplott, a spokeswoman for the League of Giant Bow Manufacturers (LGBM), said a strike by union bow loaders is holding up shipment to auto dealers. “The bows are just sitting in shipping containers. It’s a sad situation.”
Updated on January 22, 2018
|Features of the Model 1055 steering
wheel include a cushioned hub and
rimless upper section
“‘Slumped’ even sounds uncomfortable, doesn’t it?” Pigeon Stapleton asked rhetorically. Stapleton’s company, Catatonic Controls of Slunt Falls, recently released its innovative Model 1055 steering wheel for drivers who, for whatever reason, wind up face-down on the steering wheel. “We like to say our steering wheel is slumpable,” Stapleton laughed, exposing a gleaming silver front tooth.
“Statistics show that 99-percent of slumpers go face-down on that part of the steering wheel,” Stapleton explained.
|“Being slumped over the wheel shouldn’t be uncomfortable,”
says Catatonic Controls president Pigeon Stapleton.
“Some of our customers are those who have too much to drink and don’t want to drive, so they wind up slumped over the steering wheel in a parking lot,” she said. The Model 1055 is more comfortable so they can get a better night’s rest. The rest of the slumpers are usually…um…dead.”
Posted on January 16, 2018
Ford’s Fusion GPS, equipped with the 3.5 liter Ecoboost V-6, reportedly delivered 365-horsepower and 450 lb-ft of torque to all four wheels.
“It’s really too bad,” said Ford spokesperson Cookie Sontag. “But every time we even mentioned the car we’d get flooded with calls from Fox and CNN reporters.”
Posted on January 12, 2018
It’s been nearly a decade since the iconic Mustang Mullitt vanished from Ford’s lineup. But Ford released a photograph today teasing the introduction of the upcoming 2019 Mullitt at the Detroit Auto Show, which opens tomorrow — inexplicably in Casper, Wyoming.
“70’s rockers, 80’s country music singers and quite a few lesbians have been pleading with us to bring back the Mullitt,” said a Ford spokesperson who demanded anonymity. “So, we’re bringing it back for them.”
The Mustang Mullitt is rumored to go on sale sometime next fall.