Ford Cancels Fusion GPS After Confusion Over Mueller Russia Investigation

Ford today announced they won’t be building the high-performance Fusion GPS sedan after all, citing “too much confusion over that damned Trump-Russia thing.”  

Ford’s Fusion GPS, equipped with the 3.5 liter Ecoboost V-6,  reportedly delivered 365-horsepower and 450 lb-ft of torque to all four wheels.  

“It’s really too bad,” said Ford spokesperson Cookie Sontag.  “But every time we even mentioned the car we’d get flooded with calls from Fox and CNN reporters.”  

 

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Ford Teases 2019 Mustang Mullitt Intro at Detroit Auto Show

Ford released this teaser photo before the expected unveiling of the Mustang Mullitt

It’s been nearly a decade since the iconic Mustang Mullitt vanished from Ford’s lineup.  But Ford released a photograph today teasing the introduction of the upcoming 2019 Mullitt at the Detroit Auto Show, which opens tomorrow — inexplicably in Casper, Wyoming.  

“70’s rockers, 80’s country music singers and quite a few lesbians have been pleading with us to bring back the Mullitt,” said a Ford spokesperson who demanded anonymity.  “So, we’re bringing it back for them.”  

The Mustang Mullitt is rumored to go on sale sometime next fall.  

 

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Your Deceased Pet Can Become Your Car’s New Hood Ornament!

Like most pet owners, Boboli Peterson considered her cat Guff to be a beloved member of the family.  

So after Guff died in a tragic Roomba crash in the foyer of Peterson’s home last fall, the Beaverdell woman had the 16-year-old cat freeze-dried and permanently mounted to the hood of her Audi SQ5.

After being freeze-dried, Guff was affixed to the hood of Boboli Peterson’s Audi

“Now he goes with me everywhere I go,” Peterson said, choking back tears.  Or perhaps just choking.

The company that froze and installed Guff, Petrify, Inc. claims their pet hood ornaments are carwash-safe.  “We also seal the animal with foam so the wind doesn’t whistle through it at highway speeds,” said Petrify spokesperson Pucker Yang.  

 

 

 

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Vatican Admits: “We Should Have Ordered the Defroster” for New Popemobile

A large crowd struggles to see the Pope though foggy Popemobile windows

I couldn’t even tell if it was him.  It looked like he was taking a steam bath.”
Spectator Earlene DiNucci

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Dealership Grief Counselor Helps Ease the Pain of Expensive Auto Repairs

Cupcake Nunchuk and her husband Chuck were concerned when the transmission in their five-year-old Land Rover began making unusual noises.

“When I shifted into drive it would go sheeeeng–bap–dvvvvvvt–clunk,” explained Cupcake. “It also smelled like a burning goat,” added Chuck Nunchuk.

When they took their SUV to Baldemar Fagalde Land Rover-Jaguar-Suzuki (the dealership still has one new 2012 Suzuki Equator left), they received the bad news–the transmission needed a complete rebuild at a cost of over $8,000. “The Sprag clutch went sproinnnng,” explained mechanic technician Sigard Hoo. “That’s probably what was making the dvvvvvt noise,” Hoo said.

Cupcake Nunchuk is comforted by service department
chaplain Hadrian Swall (R) and her husband Chuck after
determining they would “probably have to sell our damned
 blood plasma” to pay for their Land Rover’s transmission repair

“Cupcake just fell to pieces when they told us how much it was going to cost,” said Chuck. “First she cried, then she threw her dentures at the mechanic.” Fortunately Hadrian Swall was there to comfort her. Swall is one of only a few auto dealership grief counselors in the country, but their numbers are growing.

“I sit with them and stroke their ears and tell them it’s going to be okay,” said Swall. “After the Nunchuks calmed down, they decided to trade in their Land Rover rather than spend the money to fix it,” he said. “I got them 25% off MSRP on a 2012 Equator.”

 

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Subaru Confident Their New Three-Row Crossover Will Be Popular With Lesbians

Subaru’s new Ascent doesn’t go on sale until the middle of next year, but the company is already expressing confidence that, like its Outback and Forester stablemates, the seven-passenger crossover will be a big hit with lesbians.  

We didn’t have a photo of the new Ascent, but here’s a good one of a Subaru Domingo van pulling a fiberglass cow in a trailer.

“Oh yes, they’ll love it,” assured Subaru spokesman Robusto Hippogriff.  

When asked what specific features lesbians would find appealing, he replied, “Well, for starters, there’s electroluminescent gauge needles and a ski thing on top.”  

 

 

 

 

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Poll: 72% of People Under 30 Think “Pop the Clutch” Was a Character on Boardwalk Empire

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Buyer of Original James Bond Car Complains It Has “Ejectile Dysfunction”

“It sucks. I paid $4.5 million only to find out it has ejectile dysfunction ,” complained buyer Crispin Crankshaw.  

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Tesla Promises Buyers Will Get Their 2017 Model 3’s “No Later Than 2019.”

Despite taking customer deposits on 450,000 Model 3 sedans, Tesla has built only 12 of them and all of those were used for crash testing, the automaker reported.  

Model 3 assembly line employee Louie Funston tries to figure out what funny-looking part is

Chief Rocketeer Elon Musk, however, assured investors and customers alike that production would pick up.

“Yes, it’s going slower than we thought it would,” Musk acknowledged, adding, “The 2017 Model 3 will probably be available in either sometime early or maybe mid-to-late 2019 or somewhere in there.”

Musk suggested buyers purchase an extended warranty since the standard four-year warranty period will be more than halfway over by the time the owner receives the car.  

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2018 Wrangler Rubicon to Feature Triscuit Seat Covers

The first new Wrangler in more than 10 years is expected to make its debut at the Los Angeles Auto Show early next month.    

However, Jeep and Nabisco have already confirmed to Parksplug that the ’18 Wrangler Rubicon will be outfitted with grippy new Triscuit seat covers.   

"Like sitting on a cheese grater," is how one Jeep owner described the Rubicon's new Triscuit seats

“It’s like sitting on a cheese grater,” is how one Jeep engineer described the Rubicon’s new Triscuit seats

“These Triscuit seat covers really secure the Rubicon’s occupants during off-road driving,” said Jeep spokesperson Thistle Ringworm.  “Plus, if you get lost in a snowstorm, you can eat the seats.”  

According to Jeep, the Triscuit seats will be available in Cracked Pepper and Sea Salt, Sweet Onion, Sweet Basil and Original flavors.  

 

 

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