First Look! Honda’s NSX-Powered CR-V Brute-Ute!

We agree:  A 572-horsepower twin-turbo V-6-powered Honda CR-V makes about as much sense as bolting a Williams EJ22 jet engine to your mailbox.  But we want one anyway.  (we’d like the jet mailbox, too, please)

We thought “CRVNSX” would be a cool name until a staffer pointed out it could be interpreted as “cravin’ sex.”

Yesterday, Parksplug spy photographer and retired Cinnabon manager Packy Giddings was in the right place at the right time to catch Honda’s new brute ute sitting all undisguised and whatnot.

Honda refuses to take our calls anymore, so we couldn’t find out much about this über CUV, but Gidding’s photo reveals NSX-style wheels and an elongated front clip to accommodate what is rumored to be the Acura NSX’s 3.5 liter twin turbo V-6 and hybrid system.  

How fast is it?  We predict it’ll easily outrun a Civic Type R.  But once it snaps off it’s wood post, we believe the jet mailbox is even faster.  

 

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Sneezing Attacks Threaten Master Pinstriper’s Career

Ollie Doppler sneezes as he pin stripes the side of a client’s Ferrari California T

“I never know when it’s going to happen,” said downtrodden master pin striper Ollie Doppler, speaking about the abrupt sneezing attacks that have plagued him for the past month.  

“Damn it.  Look at this mess,” he said, looking at a jumble of squiggly red stripes on the side of a client’s Ferrari convertible.  “Now I have to start all over again.”  

Until the sneezes started, Doppler had a successful thirty-year career applying pin stripes to vehicles belonging to the rich and famous, including Hollywood stars and sports figures.  “In fact,” he whispered, “this Ferrari belongs to Alex CortahahahahahCHOO!”  

Never heard of him.  

 

 

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Throwing Someone Under the Bus? Here Are Your Top Two Choices:

Low ground clearance and heavy curb weight make this a winner for throwing someone under the bus

A bus is a bus is a bus, right?  Wrong.  Especially when it comes to throwing somebody under it.

“All coaches are not the same, so if you’re planning to throw someone under the bus, it’s important to choose wisely,” advised Flip Foose, a bus designer who claims to be a distant cousin of the much more famous Overhaulin’ star.

Foose’s favorite? “Any London double-decker bus.  With its low ground clearance and heavy curb weight, throw somebody under this baby and it’ll really do a number on them,” he said, being careful not to provide any grisly details.    

Second choice Navistar bus with its low-hanging front axle is a close second, says Flip Foose

If a London bus isn’t available, Foose recommends Navistar’s IC Series CE school bus as a second choice.  “It has a low-hanging front axle.  You just hear a soft thud and it’s all over.”  

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IKEA Stores to Sell New Volvos

VEHICLES SOLD UNASSEMBLED BUT INCLUDE EASY-TO-FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS 

IKEA, the huge blue and yellow stores that each year sell trillions of boxes stuffed with simulated wood panels along with a baffling array of doodads, cam locks, drawer glides, nut sleeves and screws, announced yesterday that its stores will sell the entire Volvo passenger vehicle lineup at its stores beginning next year.

IKEA shopper Fifi DeWickit examines a Skänka non-stick herring steamer. Behind
her on display is a 2018 Volvo XC Medelhög, formerly known as the XC60

“This will be a unique buying experience,” said IKEA spokesman Oddmar “Marty” Ostergaard. “Can you think of any car dealership where you can go buy a new Volvo and enjoy a piping hot plate of Grönsaksbullar veggie balls at the same time? I can’t.”

Illustrated assembly guide is easy to follow and
includes Swedish help line phone number

While the vehicles come disassembled and packed in cardboard boxes, Ostergaard pointed out that an easy-to-follow illustrated instruction guide is included, along with a set of plastic allen wrenches.

One difference that customers will likely notice is that Volvos sold by IKEA will sport new model names.

“Our unusual product names are a big part of our identity,” explained Ostergaard, “and we want to continue that tradition.”

The changes are as follow:

Current Name                     IKEA Name
XC90                                    XC Hjälpmedel

XC60                                    XC Medelhög

S60                                       S Köttbullar

S80                                       S Fartyg

V70 Cross Country               Vagn 70 Fyrhjulsdrift

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Turbo Lag Task Force Just Can’t Seem to Get Going, Facilitator Complains

A five-person task force charged with finding new ways to eradicate turbo lag can be lazy and ineffectual one second and then spring to life almost uncontrollably the next, complained Dingdong Rodriguez, a facilitator trying to motivate the group.  

Turbo Lag Task Force just can't seem to get going says facilitator

Turbo Lag Task Force just can’t seem to get going says facilitator

“It’s aggravating,” said Rodriguez. “I sit there waiting for them to do something — anything,” she said. “And then, all of a sudden, without notice — WHAM! — they spring to life and go like hell.  When that happens, it’s often difficult to control them.” 

“Someone suggested giving them nitrous oxide,” said Rodriguez.  “But that just made them giggle and complain of feeling ‘tingly’ all over.”  

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Armor All Introduces New Protectant Spray for Bald Men

Every car fan in the world (except for Franklin Poinkler of Gabbs, Nevada, that is) has used Armor All to protect and shine the tires of his or her vehicle.  

Now, Armor All is adding another product to its portfolio of waxes, cleaners and protectants.  “With Armor All Bald we’re targeting bald customers who desire  a brilliant head shine,” said spokesperson Taffy Gabby Wooten.   “And just like our other protectants, Armor All Bald not only prevents premature cracking, but also provides necessary emollients.”  

“I wouldn’t know an emollient from an embryo,” admitted Armor All Bald customer Biff Dixon.  But I like the way water beads up on my head when it rains.”  

 

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Nike Files Suit Against Lexus Over LED Light Design

Too swooshie for Nike

Nike has filed a cease and desist order against Lexus, claiming the automaker copied the footwear company’s “swoosh” logo for the front LED lights on a number of Lexus models.  

“It’s way too “swooshie,” Nike attorney Dollop Fenkersley said of the Lexus design.  “We’re demanding they cease and desist and change it, maybe to an ampersand or an arrow or something.”  

When asked to comment, Lexus spokesperson Sneed Elliott slowly replied, “I’m confused.  Aren’t “cease” and “desist” basically the same thing?  Besides, our design is not a swoosh, it’s sort of a wingding.”  

Upon hearing that, Microsoft, owner the wingding trademark also immediately filed suit against Lexus.

 

 

 

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Company Sells Detachable Front Clip for Embarrassed Minivan Drivers

Minivans are among the most practical vehicles on the road.  It’s just that nobody wants to be seen driving one.  

Poochie Windegard poses with her Toyota Sienna that has been outfitted with the Vincent Van Nose and TRD stickers .

But a company called Vincent Van Nose is now producing a stick-on front clip that they say gives minivans a more macho, SUV-like appearance.  “It’s much more aggressive look,” claimed Bosco Trotsky, a spokesperson for the manufacturer.

The fiberglass nose, which the company says is easily attached using a combination of suction cups, staples and Velcro strips, fits Chrysler vans as well as the Honda Odyssey and Toyota Sienna.  

Poochie Windegard, a mother of three, outfitted her Sienna with Vincent Van Nose’s Toyota Sequoia-like front end and then added some TRD stickers she peeled off a parked Tacoma to complete the look.  “I gotta tell you…since we installed the new nose on the van, my self-esteem has skyrocketed.”    

 

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From the Archives: 1903 One Ton Dually

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Subaru Management Despondent After Dogs Reveal They Don’t Really Like Their Cars

Dogs have played a prominent role in Subaru’s advertising for years, but now it appears the canines are out.  

Yesterday, members of the largest canine actors’ union notified Subaru they would no longer accept parts in the carmaker’s commercials.  

“We were stunned when we heard the news,” said downtrodden Subaru spokesman Mert Sudge.  “We had a very good relationship with the dogs, plus the commercials worked really well for us.”

“To be truthful, none of us really like Subarus,” said Cooper, a tan Border Pug who wanted to be identified only by his first name, which is all he has anyway.  “The rear windows don’t roll down all the way…how the hell am I supposed to stick my head out?” 

Sudge said Subaru hasn’t made a decision on the direction of future commercials.  “Somebody suggested trying cats, but I don’t think they’ll give up their Roombas,” he said, shaking his head.  

 

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