Vatican Admits: “We Should Have Ordered the Defroster” for New Popemobile

A large crowd struggles to see the Pope though foggy Popemobile windows

I couldn’t even tell if it was him.  It looked like he was taking a steam bath.”
Spectator Earlene DiNucci

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Dealership Grief Counselor Helps Ease the Pain of Expensive Auto Repairs

Cupcake Nunchuk and her husband Chuck were concerned when the transmission in their five-year-old Land Rover began making unusual noises.

“When I shifted into drive it would go sheeeeng–bap–dvvvvvvt–clunk,” explained Cupcake. “It also smelled like a burning goat,” added Chuck Nunchuk.

When they took their SUV to Baldemar Fagalde Land Rover-Jaguar-Suzuki (the dealership still has one new 2012 Suzuki Equator left), they received the bad news–the transmission needed a complete rebuild at a cost of over $8,000. “The Sprag clutch went sproinnnng,” explained mechanic technician Sigard Hoo. “That’s probably what was making the dvvvvvt noise,” Hoo said.

Cupcake Nunchuk is comforted by service department
chaplain Hadrian Swall (R) and her husband Chuck after
determining they would “probably have to sell our damned
 blood plasma” to pay for their Land Rover’s transmission repair

“Cupcake just fell to pieces when they told us how much it was going to cost,” said Chuck. “First she cried, then she threw her dentures at the mechanic.” Fortunately Hadrian Swall was there to comfort her. Swall is one of only a few auto dealership grief counselors in the country, but their numbers are growing.

“I sit with them and stroke their ears and tell them it’s going to be okay,” said Swall. “After the Nunchuks calmed down, they decided to trade in their Land Rover rather than spend the money to fix it,” he said. “I got them 25% off MSRP on a 2012 Equator.”

 

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Subaru Confident Their New Three-Row Crossover Will Be Popular With Lesbians

Subaru’s new Ascent doesn’t go on sale until the middle of next year, but the company is already expressing confidence that, like its Outback and Forester stablemates, the seven-passenger crossover will be a big hit with lesbians.  

We didn’t have a photo of the new Ascent, but here’s a good one of a Subaru Domingo van pulling a fiberglass cow in a trailer.

“Oh yes, they’ll love it,” assured Subaru spokesman Robusto Hippogriff.  

When asked what specific features lesbians would find appealing, he replied, “Well, for starters, there’s electroluminescent gauge needles and a ski thing on top.”  

 

 

 

 

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Poll: 72% of People Under 30 Think “Pop the Clutch” Was a Character on Boardwalk Empire

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Buyer of Original James Bond Car Complains It Has “Ejectile Dysfunction”

“It sucks. I paid $4.5 million only to find out it has ejectile dysfunction ,” complained buyer Crispin Crankshaw.  

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Tesla Promises Buyers Will Get Their 2017 Model 3’s “No Later Than 2019.”

Despite taking customer deposits on 450,000 Model 3 sedans, Tesla has built only 12 of them and all of those were used for crash testing, the automaker reported.  

Model 3 assembly line employee Louie Funston tries to figure out what funny-looking part is

Chief Rocketeer Elon Musk, however, assured investors and customers alike that production would pick up.

“Yes, it’s going slower than we thought it would,” Musk acknowledged, adding, “The 2017 Model 3 will probably be available in either sometime early or maybe mid-to-late 2019 or somewhere in there.”

Musk suggested buyers purchase an extended warranty since the standard four-year warranty period will be more than halfway over by the time the owner receives the car.  

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2018 Wrangler Rubicon to Feature Triscuit Seat Covers

The first new Wrangler in more than 10 years is expected to make its debut at the Los Angeles Auto Show early next month.    

However, Jeep and Nabisco have already confirmed to Parksplug that the ’18 Wrangler Rubicon will be outfitted with grippy new Triscuit seat covers.   

"Like sitting on a cheese grater," is how one Jeep owner described the Rubicon's new Triscuit seats

“It’s like sitting on a cheese grater,” is how one Jeep engineer described the Rubicon’s new Triscuit seats

“These Triscuit seat covers really secure the Rubicon’s occupants during off-road driving,” said Jeep spokesperson Thistle Ringworm.  “Plus, if you get lost in a snowstorm, you can eat the seats.”  

According to Jeep, the Triscuit seats will be available in Cracked Pepper and Sea Salt, Sweet Onion, Sweet Basil and Original flavors.  

 

 

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Ford’s New Transit Connect Pickup: Hopefully You Didn’t Want a Longbed

Sometime next spring, Ford will release its new Transit Connect Pickup (TCPU), the short-bed answer to a question no one asked.  

With a bed that only measures 30-inches, you’ll either have to leave the sheet of drywall at Lowe’s or drag it behind the vehicle to get it home.   

“The TCPU is perfect for, say, someone who frequently steps in dog crap; they can throw their shoes in the bed and not stink up the truck’s interior,” said Ford spokesperson Gidget Plunknett.  

The Transit Connect’s engines carry over, including the top-of-the-line 178-horsepower Ecoboost four, which Ford says is strong enough to drag up to five sheets of drywall.    

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Local Man Feels He’s “Pretty Close” to Getting Car Clock Set Back to Standard Time

“I’ll probably have the dealer do it next time,” said Apex Hooflander

After a few setbacks that included inadvertently disconnecting his car’s cruise control and soldering his shoelace to the emergency flasher wiring, Apex Hooflander believes he’s pretty close to setting his vehicle’s clock back to standard time.  

“Fortunately, there was a helpful how-to video on Youtube,” he said as he used a shop rag to snuff out a small fire smoldering underneath the dashboard.  

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BRZ: We Wanted An STI, But Subaru Gives Us An Outback. Damn.

We’ve always been fans of Subaru’s nimble BRZ.  It just needs more engine.

We, along with thousands of BRZ enthusiasts, have waited years for a turbocharged version.  We’d even settle for the 2.0 liter from the milder WRX, although a BRZ with the 305-horsepower STI engine would certainly knock our hats in the creek.

Parksplug spy photographer Nordling Forks apparently cleans his camera lens with butter-flavored Pam.

Well, never mind.  A blurry spy photo indicates that instead of a turbocharged car, we’re getting a high-riding all-wheel-drive BRZ that’s equipped with the same 205-horsepower flat four.

“Last year in the U.S., Subaru sold only one vehicle that wasn’t an Outback or a Crosstrek and that was a Legacy purchased by a chimpanzee life coach from New Hampshire ,” explained automotive consultant Raisin McNabb.  “So it makes sense for them to build a BRZ Outback.”  

All we can say is, “Damn.”  

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