CHRYSLER’S 2016 PACIFICA HITS THE BULLS-EYE FOR LARGE, FLAT-HEADED FAMILIES

Chrysler’s recipe for cooking up the 2016 Pacifica was actually pretty simple:  Blend the low-slung roofline and front clip of the Chrysler 300 with the lower body of the Town and Country minivan.  The result is a sporty eight-person hauler that is perfect for a squat, flat-headed, fun-loving family that enjoys funeral processions or trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond.       

“Our research confirmed that there are a lot of people with tuna can-shaped heads out there looking for something…(cell phone rings)…Hello?…hey, can I call you back?  No, I’m busy right now.  I gotta go…(hangs up)…large enough for the entire family yet sporty at the same time,” said Chrysler spokesperson Wrigley Spuck. 

The standard engine for the Pacifica, which will be available with either front, diagonal or all-wheel drive, will be Chrysler’s ubiquitous* 3.6 liter V-6.  An available hybrid version will be powered by a Rowan Atkinson-cycle V-6 paired with a Abarth Punto Evo defroster motor mounted directly to the rear axle or pretty close to it.  

*Ubiquitous:  [yoo-bik-wi-tus]: Small country on the Caspian Sea to the left of Uzbekistan.