CAN PAUL RYAN FIX VOLKSWAGEN?

Rep. Paul Ryan

All along, Paul Ryan, the new speaker of the House of Representatives, insisted he didn’t want the job. Nor, he says, does he want to be responsible for fixing Volkswagen. 

But it appears that’s exactly what he’s going to try to do. Ryan, after speaking with colleagues and family members, announced today that if he can help get VW back on track after the emissions scandal that wiped out the company’s third quarter earnings, “Well, crap, I guess I’ll do that, too…even though I don’t want to.” 

Ryan said Volkswagen officials agreed to a number of conditions before he accepted the mission.  

“I don’t want to work on diesel emissions fixes on weekends,” he stated, adding, “Did I tell you I really don’t want to do this at all?” 

Ryan also demanded a new Jetta to drive. “But not a damned diesel,” he shouted.  

At Volkswagen headquarters, officials celebrated with “high fünfs” after Ryan’s announcement. “If Paul Ryan can’t fix this, no one can,” said one VW official who demanded anonymity…and weekends off.