HEALTH-CONCIOUS VANDALS TURNING TO SUGAR ALTERNATIVES FOR GAS TANKS

Recent medical research indicates that more and more (and perhaps more) Americans are trying to eat a healthier diet. Increasingly, people are choosing lean dishes such as chickpeas and poached tofu, and cutting back on fatty processed meats like wienies and pork fritters.

However, according to many dietitians, electricians and musicians, it’s refined sugar that poses the biggest health risk, which is why so many Americans–plus all residents of Onion Lake, Canada–have switched to artificial sweeteners.  It’s a shift that has propelled Splenda–made from sucralose and toasted dryer lint–to the top of the sales chart for granulated ersatz sweeteners packaged in a resealable yellow bag.

And, at a press conference today, Splenda introduced their latest iteration, Splenda Gas.

“We believe everyone, and I do mean everyone, should be choosing healthier alternatives to sugar,” said Splenda Marketing Director Faust Platt, who again emphasized that he did mean everyone.  “And that includes vandals.”

“Why use sugar to contaminate the vehicle fuel tanks of
ex-wives, reprehensible bosses and annoying neighbors?” asked Platt. “Because now, there’s a Splenda specially-made for that. We call it Splenda Gas.”

According to Platt, Splenda Gas clogs fuel systems as effectively as sugar, yet contains absolutely no calories or carbohydrates.  “At a time when cars are getting heavier and heavier, that’s a big deal,” he advised.

Splenda Gas is available in the sugar aisle at all major auto supply stores.