FOX NEWS BUYS ONSTAR–ONLY RIGHT TURNS PERMITTED

Hundreds of OnStar subscribers are expressing outrage over changes to OnStar after the recent sale of the GM-owned subscription-based communications service to Fox News.

Calamine “Toodie” Fetzler, a spokesperson for the recently-merged U.S. Commission on Tobacco, Communications and Native American Affairs, said her office has been inundated with complaints from OnStar subscribers.  “We have been inundated with complaints from OnStar subscribers,” scowled Fetzler as she twisted a thumb through a hole in one of her white and gray Costco crew socks.

OnStar navigation systems will no longer allow left turns, says Fox

The change that has generated the most complaints concerns a modification to Onstar’s turn-by-turn navigation service.

As Squeegee McLean, Director of Navigation for Fox News explained, “Only right turns will be permitted, and if a motorist can’t get someplace without making left–or what we call “elitist” turns–he doesn’t need to go there.”

“I’m livid,” said motorist Betty Lou Sunchunkle of Olid Shores.  “Half the places I go are on the left.  Now I can’t go there anymore.”