MARATHON ORGANIZERS APOLOGIZE FOR USING DIESEL OLDSMOBILE AS PACE CAR

Dozens of participants in last weekend’s Fight Against Polyps charity marathon complained of respiratory problems after they ran the entire race behind a 1982 Oldsmobile Cutlass diesel pace car.  “It was horrible,” said disheveled runner Speckles Nord.  “I saw clouds of black smoke coming from the pace car and didn’t think too much about it, but after 20 miles or so, I felt woozy and wobbly, and my breasts started fluttering,” she said.  

Runners struggle to breathe after inhaling exhaust from diesel pace car with amber magnetic emergency light on roof

Other runners coughed up smoldering cinders and complained of abnormal breathing sounds including wheezing, clicking, rattling, hissing, buzzing, whistling, and a noise described as sounding like a prawn sneezing.  

Organizers of the 26-mile charity run apologized to runners.  “We had the choice of a Prius or the Olds diesel, both of which belong to volunteers.  We chose the Cutlass because it already had a magnetic emergency light on the roof, which we felt was important,” said race spokesperson Mullet Gander.  

The owner of the Cutlass, volunteer and full-time Boxer Rebellion re-enactor Rudyard Roark, defended his car.  “The injector pump is warped, but otherwise, she runs pretty good,” he said, wheezing.