ELECTION DAY 2014 — PARKSPLUG RECOMMENDATIONS

Measure 1: Do you want to see a contraption like this?
If not, vote YES. If yes, vote no. I think.

Measure 1: Bans chicken wing sales at NASCAR race food booths. Insatiable demand for fried wings among fans has resulted in a nationwide glut of wingless chicken bodies. Vote YES

Measure 2: Bans Ford from ever reintroducing the Mustang II. Please, please vote YES

Measure 3: Requires OBD II diagnostic connectors to be implanted in all idiots on the road, allowing them to be re-flashed.
Vote YES

Visible V8 to become Visible I-3?

Measure 4: Requires Revell, the maker of the build-it-yourself Visible V8 1:4 scale model engine to downsize to three cylinders and adopt hybrid technology with stop-start system. Vote NO. New engine would be much too complex for young children to build. Parksplug editors’ attempt to assemble one resulted in a pile of leftover plastic parts. We set fire to the whole thing and watched it melt. Save the V8’s.

Measure 5: Requires sprinkler systems and exit lights on all

full-size SUVs. Sure, why not.

Measure 6: Corrects 1964 law requiring owners of heavy trucks to equip them with flood maps. If measure passes, flood maps will be changed to mud flaps. Vote YES. Few truckers need flood maps.

Measure 7: Bans Parksplug from owning or operating any type of computer, or posting anything on any internet site anywhere at any time. Vote YES.