Rep. Dickie Scribbles

Rep. Dickie Scribbles, one of General Motors’ harshest critics during recall hearings last summer, has announced that he will resign next month in order to spend more time with someone else’s family. “My family is nice and all, but I really like my neighbor’s wife and kids more,” said Scribbles, adding that his neighbor’s wife is better looking and her kids are better behaved than his own.

The congressman told reporters he’s found it too time-consuming to sit on committees berating others while also trying to engage in an ongoing affair with his neighbor’s wife. “I’ve always said that family comes first,” said Scribbles. “I just didn’t say whose family I was referring to.”