DESPERATE FOR SALES, VOLKSWAGEN TO OFFER BUYERS SEXUAL INCENTIVES

It’s been a tough road lately for Volkswagen.  After losing $1.83 billion during the third quarter last year — equivalent to about 408,364,500,000,000 Mongolian Tugriks–the beleaguered German automaker is now offering sexual incentives to buyers.

But according to VW spokesperson Giddie Kistner, the company has no plans to leave the U.S. market. “We’re committed to our U.S. customers and dealers, and are really focused on…um…crap, I lost my train of thought.”

After taking a few moments to pause and reflect, Kistner remembered that she was going to say that Volkswagen plans to strengthen U.S. sales by offering customers what it calls some “particularly steamy” sexual incentives but “nothing that involves diesel engines.”

“Most buyers don’t care that much about $500 or $1,000 cash back anymore,” said Kistner.  “Instead, they want…you know…some action.”

Kistner declined to go into detail about the incentives but did say the incentives are tied to the vehicle purchase price.  “For example, if someone buys a loaded Toureg, they’re going to have a pretty good time,” she cooed.  “On the other hand, a customer who spends a measly 17-grand on a stripped Jetta will be lucky to get a quick grope in the showroom.”