Ask Parksplug: Should I Fill My Tires With Nitrogen?

Dear Parksplug:  I’ve ordered new tires for my Oldsmobile Firenza GT from a big box store.  I will also get a roasted chicken while I’m there.  The tire salesman said they would fill my tires with nitrogen instead of air.  Is this a good idea?

Inigo M.  

Dear Inigo,

No!  Do not let them fill your tires with nitrogen.  Have you ever seen what happens to a banana when it’s frozen with nitrogen and then struck with a hammer?  The banana breaks up into zillions of little pieces.  You don’t want your tires to shatter into broken banana fragments, do you?  No, Inigo, nitrogen should only be used for frozen banana demonstrations on Youtube and freezing off warts. By the way, sorry about your father.  

Dear Parksplug:  When I turned in my leased Jeep Compass, they charged me $200 for excessive wear and tear.  I know what “wear” is, but what is “tear”?

Also, the picture below, along with the headline, “Koenigsegg Teases New Supercar” appeared in my favorite car blog (not yours).  Do you have any information about this new supercar?

Blaine  

Dear Blanche,

We know the blog you’re referring to.  The staff members are all homely North Korean sympathizers who are addicted to over-the-counter antihistamines.  The photo depicts not a new Koenigsegg, but rather, a poorly drawn sketch of a seagull flying southwest.  Sorry, one question per reader.