Parksplug

Angry Customers Tattoo Dealer’s Own Annoying Slogan On His Forehead

Angry over having a car dealership’s advertising slogan affixed to the back of their brand new cars, an unruly mob of customers took matters into their own hands yesterday, tattooing the dealer’s own catchphrase onto his forehead.

Flip Harkness, owner of Flip Harkness Kia sobs after a mob of angry customers tattooed his dealership’s insipid slogan on his forehead

Police said the suspects held down Flip Harkness, the owner of Flip Harkness Kia, and tattooed “Flip Harkness Kia says yes!” on his head.

“I paid $30,000 for my car and I don’t want your damned advertising on it,” one of the attackers reportedly shouted at Harkness as the tattoo gun buzzed away.  “See how you like it,” she added as she ran from the scene.

Police spokeswoman Pudding Bunson said that other than small red bumps and itchiness around his new tattoo, Harkness was uninjured.

Cubby Milligan in Big Trouble Following Odyssey Vacuum Mishap

Cubby Milligan

CONDOM FOUND JAMMED IN VACUUM CLEANER IN MOM’S HONDA ODYSSEY

Cubby Milligan has been grounded for the foreseeable future after a condom was found jammed inside the vacuum hose of his family’s Honda Odyssey.  Cubby,16, had reportedly used the minivan to take his girlfriend, Juniper, to the drive-in theater to see The Pygmy Chronicles two nights earlier.

Tinkles Milligan

“He’s not allowed to use my van or take off his pants ever again,” said his seething mother, Sugar Rae Milligan.  The discovery was made by a technician at the local Honda dealership where Sugar Rae had taken the Odyssey due to a severe case of suction reduction.

The family cat, Tinkles, is also grounded after six pounds of cat hair was found matted inside the vacuum’s filter.

Financially Ailing Fiat Dealers to Pair Up With Quiznos

Trying to simultaneously save two struggling businesses, the Federal Trade Commission today green-lighted a plan to combine Fiat dealerships with Quiznos sandwich restaurants.

“We’ve only been averaging eight new car sales per month,” said glum Fiat dealer Pancho Dandercleave.  “But by making it easy for the customer to take home both a shiny new Fiat and, say, a toasted peppercorn steak sub, we think we can bump that number up to as many as nine cars and maybe a dozen sandwiches a month.”  

Quiznos manager Pug Fostich, whose restaurant shares space with Dandercleave’s Fiat store, added that customers can finance both the car and meal through Fiat Chrysler Capital, including optional extras such as extended warranties, floor mats, chips and a drink.  “By financing it over 60 months, a tuna sandwich has never been more affordable,” Fostich added.                                          

Responding to Customer Complaints, Jaguar Vows to Boost the Number of Electrical Glitches in its Vehicles

At a press conference yesterday, Jaguar officials offered an apology to owners of its vehicles and assured them that it’s working hard to increase the number of electrical glitches in its cars and SUVs.

That pledge came after the automaker heard from owners that Jaguars have become so reliable they’re boring, and have lost the marques’  “old world charm”.

“We’re bloody sorry and will get the problem sorted, I promise you that,” pledged company spokesperson Pippa “Peanut” Talbo.

Wisps of smoke rise from Graham Watkins Teaberry’s ’86 XJS

“No smoke, no fires, no smoldering smell; what the hell is up with that?!” groused Graham Watkins Teaberry, the owner of a 2019 Jaguar XJ.  “It’s like driving a f**king Avalon!  Even a new BMW smells like burning motor oil now and then,” he added.

Teaberry shared a treasured photograph of his old 1986 Jaguar XJS-C perched on the back of a flatbed tow truck.  “Electrical shorts, flickering lights, faulty gauges, smoke coming out the vents…now that was a hell of a car,” he said with tears in his eyes.

Pope’s Evoque’s a Hoax, Says Snopes

Pope Francis is not downsizing from his familiar Mercedes G-Class Popemobile to a Range Rover Evoque, says fact-checking website Snopes.

Snopes labeled this a “Picmonkeyed Popemobile”

Popemobile fanboys shivered with excitement when websites Motorin’ Pope and Holy Automotive! both broke the news and ran photos of what appeared to be an Evoque Popemobile, complete with a rakish roofline over the Pontiff’s seat.

However, after closely examining the photograph, Snopes declared it a hoax, saying the lack of rear doors was a dead giveaway.  “With no back doors, the Evoque’s ingress and egress would be abominable,” said Snopes spokesperson Bobo Sunderman.  “The Pope would have to climb over the front seat, which is next to impossible when wearing a robe.”

Crazed Hackers Attack Jeep Gladiator

We like the Jeep Gladiator pickup.  A lot.  

But being the inquisitive and impetuous pucks we are, we spent two or three minutes pondering what the four-door Gladie would look like as a short-bed two-door before picking up our $19.99 Chicago Electric angle grinder and setting to work.  

As luck would have it (though perhaps not for her), Parksplug production assistant Taffy Jong Un owns a brand new Gladiator Rubicon which she left behind in the parking lot while heading off to Frannie’s Tanned Goat Cafe for a long lunch with a recently paroled co-worker.  

How Low is Too Low? Hyundai Reveals 2020 Veloster N

Although it’s only been a year since the Hyundai (pronounced “Hyundai”) Veloster was redesigned, the sporty coupe will nevertheless undergo a major styling change for 2020, according to the same anonymous company insider who two weeks ago revealed that Hyundai’s Montgomery, Alabama manufacturing plant doesn’t recycle cardboard boxes.

2020 Veloster N (foreground)
Some guy (right)

As the spy photo above (see below) reveals, Hyundai is attempting to make the already-sporty hatchback Veloster even sportier by dropping its low roofline even further.

“They’ve crunched the demographics,” said the source, “and discovered their target buyer — a short person with no neck — will fit in the new car just fine.”

We have to admit, it does look cool.  But the sound of crunching demographics still makes us cringe.

Is This Icon’s New $160K Custom-Built Mercury Bobcat?

The Mercury Bobcat holds a special place in the hearts of fans of poorly crafted 1970’s hatchbacks and wagons. But since production was limited to just six years, finding a Bobcat that hasn’t yet rusted away or been consumed by fire can be challenging.

Despite denials, we believe the Icon ( née Mercury) Bobcat will join the company’s lineup of classic-looking truck-based vehicles

But on his way to fish for crappie in Great Anal Fissure National Park, Parksplug photographer Baruph Molitor spied an interesting ride parked in the lot of Icon Motors’ headquarters.  Our guess is that it’s Icon’s oft-rumored Mercury Bobcat model.

Icon, of course, is a manufacturer of beautifully handcrafted yet pricey classic vehicles replete with modern mechanicals, which include an updated Toyota FJ, Ford Bronco, early Chevy pickup models and more, and we’re convinced the Bobcat would be a superb addition to the lineup, particularly if rumors are true about Ford’s 1.5 liter Ecoboost four being bolted in the B-Cat’s engine bay.

“What the hell are you talking about?” shouted cranky Icon employee Alabub Quipp when we inquired about the Bobcat parked in front of their office. “You mean that Pinto thing?  It’s there every day and belongs to the drywall guy next door.  Now get the hell out of here!”

Interestingly, though, we haven’t seen the Bobcat since, so we suspect Icon has learned to be more discreet about where they park their future vehicles.  Unless, of course, it caught fire.

So, Bob had a Wrecked Porsche, an Old AMC Pacer and Some Welding Equipment…