Parksplug

Aftermarket Kit Makes New Ridgeline Look Just Like the Old One

This 2017 model, shown parked in front of the Parksplug offices, has been modified with first-gen Ridgeline roof panels and taillights

A Honda spokesman says “um, actually, no one” has told the company they miss the “flying buttress” rear roofline of the previous generation Ridgeline pickup.  

So, to satisfy those customers that don’t exist, Honda is now selling an aftermarket kit that mimics the look of the old Ridgeline bed.

“The panels are very environmentally friendly,” said Honda spokesperson Toto Bono.  “We make them out of mashed hemp and recycled Styrofoam peanuts.” Check your local Honda dealership for availability.  Or not.  

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Single-cab Ridgeline is Honda’s response to a request no one requested

Honda also announced it will build a long-bed, single-cab Ridgeline for the 2021 model year.

Spokesperson Toto Bono answered “absolutely none” when we asked if there was pent-up demand for such a pickup.

“No one requested it, so we decided to go ahead and build it,” said Bono. Sadly, the old-style hemp and peanut panels won’t fit.  

Many Dead People Still Paying Off Auto Loans, Says Financial Expert

Six, seven and even eight year auto loans have become so common that many buyers are obligated to continue making payments even after they’re dead, said a financial expert.

“It’s kind of sad,” said financial advisor Loofa Drillbachen.  “People want to kick back after they’re dead, but many of them still have to make monthly car payments.  Remember, just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you don’t have to pay back your loan.”  

Dead guy Persky Ukes is still making monthly payments on his 2011 pickup, but can’t even drive it.

Persky Ukes, a deceased Waller City man, told Parksplug his former garage is “one of my favorite haunts,” which apparently is some sort of nitwit ghost humor.  

“My old 2011 F-150 just sits there collecting dust,” said Ukes.  “Even though I’m dead, I’m still paying for it, so I like to stop by and look at it now and then.”  

“Being dead, I can’t drive it,” said the semi-transparent Ukes.  “But I’m still paying $350 a month on it.  It sucks.”  

Electrical Glitches Now Standard On New Alfa Romeos, Says Automaker

All new Alfas will now feature factory-installed electrical glitches

Alfa Romeo announced today that all 2020 models will come standard with electrical glitches right from the factory.  

“Up until now, some Alfa owners reported electrical issues while others didn’t, so to eliminate the uncertainty, all defects will now be installed right at the factory,” said Alfa Romeo spokesperson Piso Mojado.

According to Mojado, higher-priced models will include more electrical bugs.  “I mean, that’s only fair, right?” he exclaimed.  

If Lexus Built Bullet Trains:

Porsche’s New 911-Based Pickup to Feature 40-Pound Tow Capacity

Porsche announced today its 911-based sporty pickup, the Schleppen, will feature a diminutive tow rating of just 40-pounds.

The meager rating is due to the location of the trailer hitch directly behind the trucklet’s rear-mounted flat six engine.  According to Porsche spokesperson Shiatsu Schmidt, the light-duty hitch is attached to the rear valance with “high-tech glue dots and double-sided tape.”  

The Schleppen (German for “tow”) is equipped with the 911’s 3.0 liter base engine and full-time all-wheel-drive.  However, the flat six has been detuned from the 911’s 443-horsepower rating to just 147 to provide improved low-end torque.  Keeping with the light-duty nature of the vehicle, the standard eight-speed automatic features a non-functional tow/haul button.  

Porsche claims the 36-inch square, four-inch deep pickup bed is perfectly suited to carry photographs, flattened shoeboxes or small, short-legged dogs with flat heads.  

Prices have not been announced, but options will reportedly include a massaging dead pedal, heated visors and carbon fiber mudflaps.

First Spy Photo: 2020 Austin-Martin Bugeye!

What the Honda Ridgeline Might Look Like if it Was Around in the ’70’s

Health Experts: If You’re Going to ROFL, Don’t do it in the Garage

Don’t ROFL in the garage, warns the CDC

If you ROFL in your garage, you’re much more likely to come into contact with gasoline, oil and other harmful chemicals that can be absorbed through the skin. That’s the word from researchers at the Centers for Disease Control, wherever those are.

At a news conference today, Dr. Sanka Belcher told reporters, “Please save your questions until after the presentation.”

Then she went on to say, “Only a small percentage of those who claim to be ROFLing actually are, but those who do so in the garage expose themselves to dirt, grime and even worse, grit.”

Belcher said ROFLing can even be more harmful than ROFLMFAOing, although the physical changes aren’t as readily apparent.

Does Electric Power Steering Cause “Man Boobs”?

An unesteemed and not particularly well-known medical researcher claims that electrically-assisted power steering, or EAPS (pronounced “EAPS”) is responsible for a sizable increase in the number of American men with man boobs.

Dr. Octavio Stich told Parksplug that the decreased steering effort required with electric systems is to blame.

Dr. Octavio Stich

“With a hydraulic system, there are pumps and pistons and brackets and whatnot, so it takes a greater effort to steer the vehicle.  But with electric power steering, there’s, like, no force required because basically you’re just moving electrons,” explained Stich. “And no effort leads to more men with moobs,” he said, coining a term frequently used by college-age males and testosterone enthusiasts.

Once rare, electric power steering has proliferated throughout the automotive world because of its fuel economy benefits.  Somewhat ironically, the only global manufacturer that continues to fit its vehicles with hydraulic steering is India’s Tata.