Updated on November 5, 2015
CAR SALESMAN GOES BERSERK AT BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION AFTER SHOUTING “HIP HIP” AND GETTING NO “HOORAY” IN RETURN
A 34-year-old car salesman was arrested last night after what began as a happy event–a birthday party for a colleague– turned violent. According to an unnamed customer who was at the dealership to have his sparkplugs rotated, about 20 employees of Megalopolitan Ford-Kia-Husqvarna were celebrating service advisor Pengus Woochit’s 30th birthday.
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| Police arrest salesman Wick Dooley following dealership birthday party fracas |
“They sang ‘Happy Birthday‘,” said the customer,” and then one salesman shouted, ‘Hip Hip!’ but no one said ‘Hooray’ and he just went nuts.”
Police said the salesman, later identified as 34-year-old Wick Dooley, grabbed a cardboard
Se Habla Espanol sign and struck several colleagues with it and also set fire to a stack of odometer mileage disclosure forms.
Police arrived and arrested Dooley, who reportedly was despondent over his failure to meet his monthly corrosion protection sales quota. “It was scary,” said the anonymous customer. “From now on, I’ll be the first to yell ‘Hooray’!”
Updated on November 5, 2015
FERRARI BOSS QUITS, LICENSES HIS NAME FOR EYE CHARTS
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| New Luca Di Montezemolo eye chart |
Updated on November 5, 2015
MAZDA 3 GRILLE BRACES BECOMING MORE POPULAR
Dr. Buzzene Squeet is an automotive orthodonist, and for the past year, she has limited her practice to just one patient–the Mazda 3. “The car has a very nice smile, but by applying braces, we can turn that into a beautiful smile,”claims Squeet, an energetic woman who cracks her neck in a very alluring way as she speaks. Many Mazda 3 owners apparently agree, as her office parking lot is filled with the four and five-door compact cars.
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| 2014 Mazda 3 with braces |
The braces stay on for six months, explained Squeet. That’s long enough to correct the downward droop of the grille’s horizontal bars. “During that time, though, owners must floss the grille daily to remove squashed bugs and road tar,” she admonished as she adjusted the grille rubber bands on a meteor gray 2014 four-door. “But you wouldn’t believe how pleased these little cars are when their braces come off,” said Dr. Squeet as she smiled and cracked her neck.
Updated on November 5, 2015
SOME POLICE DEPARTMENTS TRADE EX-MILITARY VEHICLES FOR LESS AGGRESSIVE MODELS
After widespread debate over whether public law enforcement agencies should acquire former military combat vehicles, at least one department is focused on projecting a less aggressive and friendlier image.
Chief Bronnie Teetzle of the Stump River Police Department and Farm Supply proudly rested his hand on his newest acquisition, a former parking lot tram that will serve as a SWAT vehicle. “Looks like a train, don’t it?” he asked as he massaged the vehicle’s faux smokestack.
According to Teetzle, the “train” rests on a 1972 International Harvester Metro van chassis. “Feller over near Cussnard Springs had it stored in his barn til the dry rot fungi ate up the barn,” he explained. “We traded him a police hat and a dartboard for it. We can’t wait to take it on a SWAT callout and wave to all the youngsters.”
Updated on September 6, 2016
NEW DEVICE ENSURES AN UNRULY TEEN WON’T RUIN YOUR FAMILY VACATION
Few things can turn a family driving vacation into a nightmare faster than a sulking, rebellious teenager in the back seat. But makers of the CanTeen say their new product solves that problem. “Simply secure the defiant teen inside the soundproof yet comfortable CanTeen capsule, and then sit back and enjoy the ride,” marketing director Muffin Nooberhoff explained.
The company says while the CanTeen will fit in the back seat or cargo area of most larger cars or SUVs. “Although we don’t recommend it, we’ve heard of parents who put their defiant teen in a CanTeen and then store it in a shed or the back of the garage until the kid is 24 or so,” Nooberhoff chuckled.
Updated on November 5, 2015
BEST VEHICLES FOR THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
According to Cooking Light magazine, four out of every 100 U.S. citizens–or about
30 percent–are enrolled in the Federal Witness Protection Program. For those individuals, choosing the right vehicle can be critical. As a public service, Parksplug offers the following suggestions:
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| YES |
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| NO |
______________________________________________________
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| MAYBE
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| NO _____________________________________________________ |
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| YES |
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| DEFINITELY NOT |
Updated on November 5, 2015
IS THIS THE 2016 CHEVROLET ÜBERBAN?
There has long been talk that Chevrolet will produce the Überban, an extended-length version of the popular Suburban, but thanks to Parksplug photography intern and Lady Foot Locker assistant manager Biscuit Piscopo, we now have proof such a vehicle exists.
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| Note drop-down tag axle–seen here in the raised position–in front of rear tire |
The SUV, which has six side doors, is approximately 30-feet long, and appears to have a dump truck-style non-driven tag axle to increase the weight capacity.
Piscopo photographed the Überban after it exited a fast food restaurant. “It took up the entire drive-through lane from ‘Order Here’ to well past windows one and two,” said Piscopo.
Updated on November 5, 2015
NASA NEWS: LIFELESS MAJOR TOM FLOATS BY SPACE STATION WINDOW
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| Major Tom as seen from space station window |
Updated on November 5, 2015
WOULD ELVIS DRIVE…A BUIXUS?
If he was around today, what would The King of Rock and Roll drive? Here at Parksplug, we were curious about that, too, so we contacted Dr. Custer Buspi, a professor at Kosciusko Institute of Transportation Studies and Poultry Science in Mississippi.
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| The Buixus |
“Elvis would be 79 years old,” said Buspi, a master of the hammered dulcimer, “so he would want something comfortable yet elegant. He loved Cadillacs and other large, comfortable cars, but he wouldn’t be interested in today’s CTS or XTS.”
Unable to identify an existing vehicle that might satisfy The King’s tastes, Buspi directed his top student, 23-year-old Bulova DenDong, to design and build one. Ten months later, the Buixus was unveiled.
“Lexus wasn’t around when he died, but we think Elvis would have loved it for its luxury and reliability, so we started there and added big chrome bumpers and tall rear fins from a late 50’s Buick, a velour interior and other items,” explained the bobbed-nosed DenDong.
Sadly, the sole Buixus was destroyed during road testing when winds from a fierce haboob caught the tail fins and flipped the vehicle onto its top. “Elvis would have loved it,” whispered a melancholy Buspi.
Updated on November 5, 2015
GROUP OF SMALL-BREASTED WOMEN STILL ANGRY OVER 1950’S VW BUS TURN SIGNAL DESIGN
“It’s cruel and demeaning. How Volkswagen, after all these years, can still claim they weren’t mocking women like me is a mystery.”
Pee-Wee Peaks Club president Cashmere Yodart-Fickner, 67
