Experts Claim Flat Bottom Steering Wheels Lead to Flat Bottomed Drivers

Here’s a good excuse to go out and buy that Audi S5 you’ve been wanting. A lowly-respected researcher claims that people who drive cars with flat-bottom steering wheels frequently develop flatter bottoms themselves.  

“It’s true,” claimed Yktruct “Bob” Woosht, a posterior clinician at Thicket Pitch City College.  He wanted to tell us more about his research but, frankly, we just weren’t that interested. 

A few days later, we ran into Audi owner Custard Blickman (photos), who bought her used flat bottom wheel-equipped 2019 S5 just six weeks ago, and she’s already showing off her newly deflated derriere.  

“I’ve tried everything to slim down without success,” said the 317-pound Blickman. “I ate nothing but homemade fig doodles for two years and even tried prancing like a drum major for two miles while clenching my buttocks every evening, but nothing seemed to work.”  Nothing, that is, until she bought her flat-bottom-wheeled Audi.  “It’s like a miracle,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye using her iPhone’s eye-wiping app.   

 You say you can’t afford an Audi?  You can modify your existing steering wheel using the Pittsburgh Compress-A-Wheel tool from Harbor Freight.  It’s 16% off until yesterday.