Subaru To Make Seat Covers From Tub Drain Hair

It’s gross and clogs the drain.  But, always the innovator, Subaru — who, after all, developed the 1946 Fuji Rabbit motor scooter which came complete with an automatic transmission — has created a process to turn disgusting globs of tub and shower drain hair into a soft, supple and durable auto upholstery. 

At a news conference yesterday, spokesperson Fondue Baumgardner explained, “We at Subaru believe tub drain hair is.”  At that point, her microphone fell off the lapel of her Dickie’s coveralls and landed with a thud on the floor.  “The upholstery of the future,” she continued after picking up the microphone and blowing the dust of it.  

Baumgardner, who inexplicably showed up to the event driving a badly dented, matte gray 1999 Daihatsu Charade, said the new seat cover material will show up on most of Subaru’s 2022 models, but not the WRX.  “For our high-performance models, we’re developing a unique upholstery derived from Eurasian sea otter fur which offers even greater grip in the twisties.”  She later apologized for using the word “twisties.” 

The drain hair upholstery will be available in a variety of colors including Honey Blonde, Chestnut, Auburn, Ebony, Henna Red and for those seeking a more unkempt look, Haight-Ashbury (pictured). 

Subaru originally planned to provide owners with a bristle brush that produced a mild static charge to quickly remove lint and pet hair, however, during testing the brush repeatedly shorted out the seat heaters.