Ask Parksplug: “The Closer I Get to Home, the More I Have To Go To the Bathroom.”

by parksplug

Dear Parksplug,
I’m a reasonably healthy 47-year-old man. I eat a lot of snow peas and work out daily with my wife’s deflated exercise ball. When “nature calls,” I always head home rather than use the restroom at work, as I enjoy using the time to read my favorite automotive blog Parksplug.*

However, I notice that the closer I get to my house, the stronger the urge is to go to the bathroom. A few miles away, I’m fine, but by the time I turn onto my street, my stomach is all knotted up and I feel like I’m going to backfire. Is this normal? By the way, I drive a 1991 Chevy Lumina.
Serge

Dear Sarge,
While it’s possible you have a buckled sphincter, it’s unlikely. You might have your doctor or a trusted friend examine your large intestine. That’s the organ in your abdomen that is shaped like the “G” on the Google logo. It’s about 400-yards long, and only fits inside your body because it shrinks up like an introverted Pocket Hose.

While a link hasn’t been proven, people afflicted with your condition typically do a lot of bog snorkeling. Eliminating this activity should clear up your problem.

Nice car, that Lumina.

*Changed from Autoblog for editorial clarity