Tesla Promises Buyers Will Get Their 2017 Model 3’s “No Later Than 2019.”

Despite taking customer deposits on 450,000 Model 3 sedans, Tesla has built only 12 of them and all of those were used for crash testing, the automaker reported.  

Model 3 assembly line employee Louie Funston tries to figure out what funny-looking part is

Chief Rocketeer Elon Musk, however, assured investors and customers alike that production would pick up.

“Yes, it’s going slower than we thought it would,” Musk acknowledged, adding, “The 2017 Model 3 will probably be available in either sometime early or maybe mid-to-late 2019 or somewhere in there.”

Musk suggested buyers purchase an extended warranty since the standard four-year warranty period will be more than halfway over by the time the owner receives the car.  


2018 Wrangler Rubicon to Feature Triscuit Seat Covers

The first new Wrangler in more than 10 years is expected to make its debut at the Los Angeles Auto Show early next month.    

However, Jeep and Nabisco have already confirmed to Parksplug that the ’18 Wrangler Rubicon will be outfitted with grippy new Triscuit seat covers.   

"Like sitting on a cheese grater," is how one Jeep owner described the Rubicon's new Triscuit seats

“It’s like sitting on a cheese grater,” is how one Jeep engineer described the Rubicon’s new Triscuit seats

“These Triscuit seat covers really secure the Rubicon’s occupants during off-road driving,” said Jeep spokesperson Thistle Ringworm.  “Plus, if you get lost in a snowstorm, you can eat the seats.”  

According to Jeep, the Triscuit seats will be available in Cracked Pepper and Sea Salt, Sweet Onion, Sweet Basil and Original flavors.  




Ford’s New Transit Connect Pickup: Hopefully You Didn’t Want a Longbed

Sometime next spring, Ford will release its new Transit Connect Pickup (TCPU), the short-bed answer to a question no one asked.  

With a bed that only measures 30-inches, you’ll either have to leave the sheet of drywall at Lowe’s or drag it behind the vehicle to get it home.   

“The TCPU is perfect for, say, someone who frequently steps in dog crap; they can throw their shoes in the bed and not stink up the truck’s interior,” said Ford spokesperson Gidget Plunknett.  

The Transit Connect’s engines carry over, including the top-of-the-line 178-horsepower Ecoboost four, which Ford says is strong enough to drag up to five sheets of drywall.    


Local Man Feels He’s “Pretty Close” to Getting Car Clock Set Back to Standard Time

“I’ll probably have the dealer do it next time,” said Apex Hooflander

After a few setbacks that included inadvertently disconnecting his car’s cruise control and soldering his shoelace to the emergency flasher wiring, Apex Hooflander believes he’s pretty close to setting his vehicle’s clock back to standard time.  

“Fortunately, there was a helpful how-to video on Youtube,” he said as he used a shop rag to snuff out a small fire smoldering underneath the dashboard.  


BRZ: We Wanted An STI, But Subaru Gives Us An Outback. Damn.

We’ve always been fans of Subaru’s nimble BRZ.  It just needs more engine.

We, along with thousands of BRZ enthusiasts, have waited years for a turbocharged version.  We’d even settle for the 2.0 liter from the milder WRX, although a BRZ with the 305-horsepower STI engine would certainly knock our hats in the creek.

Parksplug spy photographer Nordling Forks apparently cleans his camera lens with butter-flavored Pam.

Well, never mind.  A blurry spy photo indicates that instead of a turbocharged car, we’re getting a high-riding all-wheel-drive BRZ that’s equipped with the same 205-horsepower flat four.

“Last year in the U.S., Subaru sold only one vehicle that wasn’t an Outback or a Crosstrek and that was a Legacy purchased by a chimpanzee life coach from New Hampshire ,” explained automotive consultant Raisin McNabb.  “So it makes sense for them to build a BRZ Outback.”  

All we can say is, “Damn.”  





Cobra Replica Owner Distraught After Discovering Glovebox Was Signed by Some Guy Named Darrell Shulky

After saving his money for 15 years, LeBloyne Picnick was finally able to afford the car of his dreams — a Shelby Cobra.  

“Well, it’s actually a replica; I certainly couldn’t afford a real Cobra,” Picnick told Parksplug.  And like many Cobras, Picnick’s replica featured Carroll Shelby’s autograph right there on the glovebox door.  “I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “Carroll Shelby himself signed his name on my car!  Or so I thought.”  

LeBloyne Picnick's Cobra replica is possibly the only one in existence that was autographed by Darrell Shulky

LeBloyne Picnick’s Cobra replica is possibly the only one in existence that features Darrell Shulky’s autograph

It turns Picnick’s glovebox was actually autographed by some guy named Darrell Shulky.  

“I didn’t even notice it,” said the downtrodden Picnick.  “The day I got the car, I took my friend Eb for a ride and he pointed to the glovebox and said, ‘Who’s Darrell Shulky?'”  

Despite spending hours searching Cobra forums and social media sites, Picnick has yet to discover who Shulky is.  “That’s what I get for buying a replicar, I guess,” he said before burying his face in his hands and sobbing.  



Automakers Want to Crash-Test People Instead of Vehicles

Claiming that crash testing wrecks too many vehicles, a coalition of automakers is proposing that NHTSA — which stands for National Highway Traffic something or other —  have humans sprint into a fixed steel barrier instead.

General Motors spokesperson Scut Nooberk, who was chosen to represent the collection of domestic and foreign automakers because of his nice haircut, told reporters, “”You crash six or eight Acadia Denalis into a barrier and, holy cow, that’s a lot of money down the drain.”

PeeWee Garwahl sprints into a test wall as his dog Cletus, wearing cervical collar, observes

Asked for comment, NHTSA spokesperson Tonico Blark claimed that not only was he unfamiliar with the proposal but admitted he didn’t know what the abbreviation NHTSA stands for either.

After showing the crowd a video of a man running full-speed into a steel barrier, Nooberk said, “Sure, he’s unconscious, but we saved, like, $55,000.  





Astronaut Takes Both Sets of Car Keys Into Space; Wife Pissed

Fortunately, the bus system where we live is pretty good.”  
Soon-to-be-divorced astronaut Beeker Pugg

Astronaut Beeker Pugg, serving aboard the International Space Station, holds up his wife’s car keys

U.S. astronaut Beeker Pugg arrived last week at what will be his new home for the next year–the International Space Station.  

Unfortunately, Pugg apparently forgot to check his pockets before leaving home and inadvertently took both sets of keys for the family’s Nissan Altima into space with him.

“My wife called and was like, ‘Have you seen the keys to the car?’  She was foaming at the mouth she was so pissed,” Pugg laughed.  “Fortunately, the bus stop is close by.”

“F***ing buttmunch space scum,” barked Pugg’s 34-year-old wife Chantix.  “What am I supposed to do, walk to work for the next year? I hope his f***ing space suit rips.”

Chantix Pugg, astronaut’s angry wife

Pugg said he’ll “bring the keys home next October.”  


What’s This? A Mid-Engined Shelby GT-350?

We all know a mid-engined Corvette is on its way, but Parksplug spy photographer Chuckles Kamakawiwo’ole said he nearly choked on his leftover Arby’s Smokehouse Brisket sandwich when he glanced over while driving and saw a mid-engined Shelby GT-350.  

That’s right — a mid-engined Mustang.

“With its short nose and stretched wheelbase, it was obvious right away it was a mid-engine car,” said Kamakawiwo’ole, who, coincidentally, also has a short nose and a stretched waistline.  He also drives a Meadows Frisky Prince, so he knows all about mid-engined cars.

In an effort to identify the engine underneath the tinted rear glass, Kamakawiwo’ole wiped his finger inside one of the four exhaust tips, then licked his fingers.  “Tastes like a 5.2 liter Voodoo, alright,” he exclaimed while licking the rest of his fingers.