Owner of Van With Moaning Steering Pump Arrested for Indecency

Police today arrested a local man for indecency after he drove his Pontiac van with a moaning power steering pump past an elementary school several times.  

“It sounded like it was having an orgasm,” said witness Tickle Plimpton.  “It was disgusting.  Thank God the children didn’t hear it.”

Producing lewd automotive noises is a misdemeanor punishable by a $500 fine, according to the state vehicle code.  

 

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Caught on Camera: 2019 BMW M3 With Inline 12!

Since its debut, BMW’s M3 has been equipped with four, six and eight cylinder engines.  But the automaker is really upping the ante for the ’19 model year by shoehorning a lightweight inline 12-cylinder engine under an elongated hood.

“Our existing V-12 is too wide for the M3, so we developed an all-new inline engine,” said BMW spokesperson Posey Tiddle.  

BMW isn’t revealing horsepower and torque figures, but Tiddle claims the turbocharged 12 is exceptionally light and durable thanks to the block and head being constructed of a mixture of titanium and atomized abalone shells.  

As you can see in the photograph, the car’s hood and wheelbase have been stretched more than two feet to accommodate the engine, resulting in a look similar to that of Timberland’s plain toe men’s Chukka shoe.  

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Hatchbacks For Humanity Celebrates 10th Anniversary

 Hatchbacks for Humanity, a volunteer organization that builds bland and uninspiring cars for the less fortunate, celebrated its 10th anniversary at its headquarters yesterday with plenty of cake and Diet Squirt to go around.  

“Our vision is a community in which everyone–regardless of their income or legal driving status–can own a mundane, underpowered hatchback with sticky brakes and lifeless steering,” Hatchbacks for Humanity President Paco Lumpkin told an attentive crowd of nine, all of whom appeared to be there just for the cake.  

 

Hatchbacks for Humanity volunteers practicing looking in different directions

Mayor Kissie Canaveral was on hand to read a proclamation that included a seemingly endless litany of “whereas’s” before thankfully getting to the “thereby,” and christened a new bright red hatchback by smashing a bottle of Night Train Express against the car’s right front fender.  

“We’re going to keep churning these things out until everyone has a hatchback,” vowed Lumpkin as Canaveral crouched on her hands and knees licking the wine that was dripping off the car.    

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Next Silverado To Go Retro According To Spy Photo

Chevrolet obviously reached way back into its design archives when it came to styling the next-generation Silverado.

A nearly undisguised test vehicle caught on camera indicates Chevy is drawing heavily from its so-called Advance Design pickups of 1947 – 1955.   

It won’t be the first retro-styled Chevy, of course, as the division’s own Camaro is based on a mid-60’s design.  The automaker is reportedly even changing the name of the Silverado’s base 4.3 liter V-6 from EcoTec to “Thriftmaster.”   

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Chrysler Resurrects Crossfire Name for Stubby Pacifica-Based SUV

Chrysler is bringing back the Crossfire!  Well, sort of.  Unlike the 2004 – 2008 Mercedes-based two-door sports car, the new Crossfire is a more of a peewee Pacifica.  

Chrysler Crossfire: A peewee Pacifica?

Since FiatChrysler basically took a Sawzall to the Pacifica’s midsection to create the Crossfire, the curb weight is down nearly 600-pounds from that of the minivan.  While front-drive is standard on this two-row crossover, four-wheel-drive is an option, as is the Pacifica’s handy Stow ‘n Vac vacuum cleaner to keep the interior looking tidy.  

Sadly, the Pacifica’s 287-horsepower 3.6 liter V-6 is nowhere to be found.  Instead, the Crossfire’s only powerplant is the normally aspirated 1.4 liter MultiAir four from the Fiat 500 and thankfully discontinued Dodge Dart.  

As you can imagine, with just 100-horsepower, the 3,200 pound Crossfire has the acceleration of a Zamboni in quicksand.  In fact, the vehicle is so underpowered that, during our testing, turning on the vacuum cleaner caused the engine to stall.  We recommend skipping the vacuum feature and buy a Shop-Vac instead.  Or buy the Shop-Van and skip the Crossfire.  

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Toyota Pins Hopes for Prius Sales Increase on Punctuation

The Prius is now the Prius! exclaims Toyota

With Prius sales dropping 25% last month from the year before, Toyota officials are taking what they describe as a “bold step” — adding an exclamation point, thereby changing the name slightly to Prius!  

“We’re hoping the change really creates some excitement about the Prius!” said Toyota’s VP of Marketing Dollop Mustenberg, adding, “I know we’re pretty darned excited around here!” (he asked that we add those exclamation points at the end of the previous sentences).  

Mustenberg said research indicates that people who would consider buying a Prius frequently make buying decisions based on punctuation.  Oops, we meant “punctuation!”  

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Confused Hackers Hit Local Man’s Equinox Before Equifax Breach, Authorities Say

Leon Wixit waits for a tow after hackers disabled his Equinox

Before they hacked into credit rating agency Equifax, stealing the personal information of some 140-million Americans — which included actress Renée Zellweger — hackers first mistakenly infiltrated Leon Wixit’s 2017 Chevrolet Equinox, according to some kind of authority.  

“Equinox — Equifax, the names are pretty similar,” said the wistful Wixit.  “I guess I can see how the mix-up happened.”

Wixit said the hackers not only disabled his Equinox, leaving him stranded on the side of the road, but also deleted his how-to audio book on puppet repair.  “I was right at the good part, too,” he said. 

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Subaru’s EyeSight Afflicted With Floaters

Hundreds of Subarus equipped with the first-generation of EyeSight, the automaker’s camera-based driver safety technology, have been diagnosed with floaters, according to automotive ophthalmologist Dr. Perky Firtz.  

Automotive Ophthalmologist Dr. Perky Firtz checks Subaru EyeSight camera for “floaters”

Firtz told Parksplug that floaters are generally an age-related condition in which small dots or lines appear in the vision field.  

“Owners of a number of older Subarus complain the floaters cause the EyeSight cameras to “see” objects that aren’t really there and either slam on the brakes or swerve to avoid the object,” Firtz explained.  

Subaru said very few vehicles are affected, and recommends vigorously shaking the EyeSight cameras to break up the floaters.  “Try cleaning the lens first. That might solve the problem,” recommended Subaru spokesperson Lagos Chacksfield.  

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If Lexus Designed the Jeep Wrangler:

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Smart EV’s Big New Battery Leaves No Room For Passenger

Smart Fortwo EV85 undergoing testing with passenger aboard

What a difference a big battery can make.  Smart’s Fortwo EV85, which the company hopes to begin selling in January — fires off Tesla-like acceleration numbers while also setting records for distance traveled on a single charge.  The “85” in the name refers to the Fortwo’s enormous new liquid-cooled 85 kWh lithium-ion battery pack that replaces the standard 17.6 kWh unit.  

The good news is 0 – 60 times are reportedly in the mid two’s.  And range is extraordinary.  One EV85 test mule traveled more than 4,000 miles on a single charge.  

But all is not sugarplums and puppy belches.  After shoehorning the steamer trunk-sized 85 kWh battery into the diminutive coupe, there was only enough room for the driver’s seat, forcing the passenger to cling to the exterior of the moving car.  

Fortwo EV85 engineer Blitz McPheet acknowledged “there are still a few bugs to work out.”  Right now, those bugs are probably splattered all over the passenger.  

 

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