Updated on November 2, 2020
Local Man Feels He’s “Pretty Close” to Getting Car Clock Set Back to Standard Time
“I’ll probably have the dealer do it next time,” said Apex Hooflander
After a few setbacks that included inadvertently disconnecting his car’s cruise control and soldering his wedding ring to the emergency flasher wiring, Apex Hooflander believes he’s pretty close to setting his vehicle’s clock back to standard time.
“Fortunately, there was a helpful how-to video on Youtube,” he said as he used a shop rag to snuff out a small fire smoldering underneath the dashboard.
Updated on August 4, 2020
CALIFORNIA’S ROAD SIGN LETTER SHORTAGE: 5’s AND 7’S ARE PULLING DOUBLE DUTY
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| As shown on these highway signs, California has resorted to using the number 5 to take the place of the letter S, and an upside-down 7 to replace L |
“Because of supply problems, we’re forced to use the number 5 as an S and upside-down 7’s as L’s. We’re not happy about it, but that’s all we can do until the supply problem is solved,” she said.
According to Plinth University Professor of Transportation Studies Efren Wedgewood, the shortage is a result of letter manufacturers slowing production while they switch from summer to winter letters.
“Whatever the reason, it really 5uck5,” complained Dispner.
Updated on July 29, 2020
Oprah Gives Every Member of Studio Audience a 12-Year-Old Car
You might recall that back in 2004, Oprah Winfrey kicked off the 19th season of her popular television show by giving each member of the studio audience a brand new Pontiac G6.
Each member of Oprah’s studio audience received a free 2004 Pontiac G6 whether they wanted it or not.
Fast forward to last week when, during the filming of her current show, Oprah: Where Are They Now? the popular talk show host again surprised nearly 300 audience members with a free car.
But, this time, the crowd’s jubilation faded almost immediately after they learned their “new” cars were also 2004 Pontiac G6’s just like those featured in the first giveaway.
“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but she’s giving us all 12-year-old Pontiacs?” complained studio audience member Fidget Boils. “They don’t even make those anymore, do they? I mean, I love Oprah, but, honestly, this kind of sucks.”
Some audience members walk out while others react with disbelief after learning they’re all being given a 12-year-old Pontiac.
Gagnon Jomutt, the show’s producer, said he was shocked when he learned audience members were disappointed.
“You’ve got to be kidding. Do you know how long it took us to find all those old Pontiacs?” asked Jomutt, who added, “They don’t even make those anymore.”
Updated on July 29, 2020
As Seen On TV! Generic Vehicle Featured in Auto Insurance Ads Will Soon Be Available to Public
Mention the letters GM and most people, of course, think of General Motors. But there’s another GM out there, one that never built the Chevy Vega or took a $10-billion taxpayer bailout.
“Our names are alike,” said Generic Motors CEO Gollie Wagoner, “but that’s where the similarity ends.”
The Generic Motors GMi goes on sale this fall
Indeed, Generic Motors builds only one model, a three-box, four-door sedan called the GMi (the “i” stands for insurance), that until now, has been sold only to car insurance companies for advertising use.
But that’s about to change. Beginning this fall, vapid, humdrum drivers, many wearing blue jeans and gray pocket tees, will also be able to purchase a GMi for the first time.
“Car insurance companies want a generic-looking car for their advertising,” explained Wagoner. “And, you know what? Millions of motorists love bland, tasteless vehicles, too, and those people are the people we’re targeting — the ones that traditionally buy Camrys or Dodge Journeys.”
The GMi is equipped with a 2.5 liter four-cylinder engine rated at, “Oh, about 180 horsepower, I suppose,” said Wagoner, and the only transmission available is a six-speed automatic that features inoperative steering wheel-mounted shift paddles. Also included as standard equipment are some LED lights and a Kraco four-speaker stereo that plays both CD and cassettes.
While the GMi’s price hasn’t been announced, Wagoner did say that most drivers will save “15% or more on car insurance.”
Updated on July 29, 2020
Perception vs. Reality: What Other Motorists Think We’re Thinking About Them
WHAT HE THINKS OTHER MOTORISTS ARE THINKING: Badass truck=badass guy. Drinks diesel fuel. Don’t f**k with him. Women want him.
WHAT WE’RE REALLY THINKING: What a derf. Must have 15-grand worth of shit on a $5,000 truck. F**king Keebler elf.
WHAT SHE THINKS WE’RE THINKING: Look at her. Is she a movie star? God, I love her Porsche. I wish I was her. I hate myself…and this damned Honda Pilot.
WHAT WE’RE REALLY THINKING: What is that, a Honda Pilot?
WHAT HE THINKS WE’RE THINKING: Damn, what a classic. I’ll bet that thing hauls ass.
WHAT WE’RE REALLY THINKING: Pace car for the 24 Hours of LeMons? Nice tats and mullet, dude. Wife beater…probably lives in a shed.
Updated on May 21, 2020
NO BULL: LAMBORGHINI TO NAME ITS CARS AFTER….WHAAAAT?
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| Renzo DeSpatula, Lamborghini’s Marketing Director, fights back tears |
Head buried in hands, Lamborghini Marketing Director Renzo DeSpatula was enveloped in an air of despair.
“Non so che cosa fare!” cried DeSpatula, which we think means, “Nuns eating cheese at the coast.”
The reason for DeSpatula’s angst? The Sant’Agata-based automaker’s tradition of naming its sleek vehicles after fighting bulls is nearing an end.
Yes, after an era of cars with bovine monikers including Muira, Murciélago, Aventador, Huracan and Urus, the running of the bulls is over.
Late last week, Lamborghini announced that it has entirely exhausted its supply of bull names. And with a new hypercar about to make its debut, the timing couldn’t be worse.
“Choices good few are there,” said DeSpatula, whose primary language is something other than English.
An unnamed Lamborghini employee told Parksplug the company will abandon bovine names and switch to chickens instead, and said company officials have spent long days poring over the list of Italian chicken breeds on the website mypetchicken.com.
“Right now, the name of choice for the new car is Pollo Veloce,” said the source.
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| Pecking order: The Pollo Veloce could become Lamborghini’s first car in recent years be named after a chicken rather than a bull |
Updated on May 9, 2020
VETERINARIAN: DOGS NEED TO START CHASING CARS AGAIN
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| Before and After: Veterinarian Latworthy’s own dog Fidget went from being fat and lazy to thin and fit after chasing after the Git-The-Kitty cat head hitch ball |
A recent article in Costco Connection magazine claims that casseroles have once again become a family favorite. But what really caught our eye elsewhere in the issue was the statistic that nearly 60-percent of dogs in the U.S. are overweight or obese.
To combat the epidemic, says unlicensed veterinarian Tungsten B. Latworthy, pet owners should be encouraging their dogs to get out and chase vehicles.
“For years, we punished our dogs for chasing cars,” said Latworthy. “In hindsight, that was wrong, and as a result, we have millions of fat dogs in this country. We need to get them back out there.”
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| The Git-The-Kitty cat head hitch ball |
The Git-The-Kitty Cat Head Hitch Ball
But getting an overweight dog to exercise isn’t easy. “They’re inherently lazy,” said Dr. Latworthy. ‘You throw a ball and they just lie there and look at you. That’s why I developed the Git-The-Kitty cat head trailer hitch ball.”
Latworthy’s invention is a molded foam device that resembles an indignant cat and easily replaces a standard two-inch hitch ball. “Bolt the Git-The-Kitty onto your bumper or hitch and I guarantee your dog will chase you all day long,” he said confidently.
When asked if he’s earning a lot of money from his invention, Latworthy shakes his head.
“It’s not about money. I love dogs and I want them to be healthy,” said Latworthy quietly as he hand-fed his dog Fidget a glob of Frito Casserole.
Updated on April 24, 2020
K-Y’s New Garage Lubricant Helps Squeeze Large Vehicles Into Tight Garages
If you’ve ever tried to navigate your Navigator into a small garage you’ll understand why K-Y has just unveiled a new garage lubricant.
Called K-Y RIdeSlide, this water-based, fragrance-free gel helps to gently and painlessly insert your big SUV into the smallest of garages.
Before entering, spray on, then gently caress the non-greasy gel into your SUV’s paint using a the palms of your hands or a soft towel. Some drivers seem to enjoy watching a friend or spouse apply the gel. Then, notice how effortlessly your SUV glides inside. Plus, it won’t harm your clear coat.
K-Y’s RideSlide is on sale now wherever intimate automotive products are sold.
Updated on September 28, 2020
Volvo XC90 Reportedly Having Difficulty Handling Its Own Success
The Volvo XC90 is an unmitigated hit. It’s recently become the top-selling Volvo model, and the three-row crossover has won more than 70 awards, including North American Truck of the Year, Motor Trend SUV of the Year, and, strangely, Best Jazz Vocal Performance. Also, according to NHTSA, which stands for National something or other, the XC90 was the only Swedish-Chinese vehicle to ace the arduous Offset Reindeer Strike Test.
Intoxicated and passed out, the XC90 lies on its side in a bar in Norrköping
Sadly, it’s not all sunshine and pickled herring. Reportedly, the big Volvo is finding it difficult to live with its newfound success. “XC90 is out partying every night, slamming Stigbergets Amazing Haze nonstop,” said one source. “It’s out of control,” he said, adding, “I should know.” We waited for more on that but he never did elaborate.
The attached photo shows Volvo’s large crossover passed out and lying on its side in a bar in Norrköping on New Year’s Eve. “It’s quite sad what success has done to the XC90,” said the source. “I think it misses its old boxy look and mundane, humdrum life.”
