HEADLINES WE DIDN’T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT

GUY WHOSE IDEA IT WAS TO PAINT FIRE ENGINES LIME GREEN IS FINALLY DEAD

Celebrations break out at thousands of fire stations across the country.

AUTOMAKERS COMPLAIN ABOUT STARBUCKS’ NEW ONE-GALLON “TRENTA” CUP

Starbucks Trenta cup pictured
in new Ford Furlough

“We’re maxed out.  If cupholders get any larger, we’ll have to eliminate the front passenger seat.”  Javier DeSususudio, Chief of Interior Design, Ford Motor Company

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HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT TO PLACE DISCOUNT COUPONS INSIDE ROADKILL

The next time you spot a dead animal in the roadway, you might want to stop and pick it up rather than just drive on by.  That’s because highway department officials today announced a new plan to insert discount coupons for restaurants, theaters, salons and retailers inside roadkill.  “We believe drivers will stop and pick up dead animals in the hopes there might be a money-saving coupon inside,” said highway department administrator Walter “Whirly” O’Chang. “It’ll sure save us money by not having to pick up and dispose of all that roadkill.”
Hair salon owner Peaches Findleweimer said she jumped on board as soon as she heard about the program. “I think it’s great. I bought 200 coupons for discount perms that’ll go inside dead raccoons. For the same price I could have had 300 skunk coupons, but who would stop for a dead skunk?” she asked, smiling wistfully.
O’Chang emphasized that motorists should remove the coupons and not take the dead animal with them to the business or retailer.
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AMID DECLINING MOTORCYCLE SALES, HARLEY-DAVIDSON FOCUSES ON FITNESS EQUIPMENT

Slim Bob Elliptical Trainer
Harley-Davidson is an American manufacturing icon, but the motorcycle maker is still struggling to recover from the great recession.  ”We had to develop new products,” said marketing director Dorman “Pile Driver” Spootman while picking his teeth with a large dagger.
Their first new product, the Slim Bob elliptical trainer, has just hit the market and Harley employees are obviously proud of it.  ”It’s alright,” said Spootman.  ”It’s got a hole for your beer can.”
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VOLVO WINS “BEST KEY TO PICK YOUR EAR WITH” AWARD FOR FOURTH YEAR IN A ROW

Award-winning
Volvo S60 key

Fajita Mufferberg’s body writhed back and forth as she twisted the gold-colored key that was deeply inserted into her left ear.  “Oh…my…God,” she exclaimed, her eyes closed.  The key was for a 2014 Volvo S60 sedan, and for the third consecutive year, the Swedish car manufacturer won top honors in the “Best Key” category at the National Ear Pickers convention in Nashville.   Judges presented elated Volvo representatives with the coveted Golden Ear trophy, saying, “The key’s notches and grooves provide the most stimulating experience since Q-Tip discontinued their vibrating Q-Tickler model.”


Meantime, a half-dozen ear, nose and throat doctors picketed outside the convention center, one holding a large sign reading, “Nothing smaller than your elbow!”Hundreds of attendees waited in long lines at Volvo’s booth to get their hands on a free sample key. After her experience, Mufferberg, 32, of Alpaca, Wyoming, seemed dazed, and muttered, “I have to go sit down,” as Volvo staffers smiled and nodded.
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