Parksplug

FIREFIGHTERS: TOO MANY POLICE IMPERSONATORS AND PHONY COP CARS

Firefighters complain there are two many fake police cars and not enough firefighter impersonators

FIRST PHOTOS OF CHEVY’S NEW CORVOLT HIGH-PERFORMANCE HYBRID

For the past year, General Motors brass has declined to discuss rumors of a higher performance version of the Chevrolet Volt hybrid electric passenger car.  But those rumors were confirmed at a press conference today, and photos of the new Corvolt were shown to the press.

Front view of new Corvolt

“The Corvolt will be the only performance hybrid on the market,” said Chevrolet’s Assistant Vice-President and Director of Marketing, Human Resources and Facilities, who goes only by “Bob”.   The Corvolt’s enhanced performance was achieved by tuning the motor for 241-volt electricity instead of the normal 240, unplugging the air conditioner, and adding “another dollop” of lithium to the battery pack.

Four backup lamps mimic Corvette’s exhaust outlets

The Corvolt’s handling should also be much sharper than the standard Volt’s, as it borrows GM’s vaunted Magnetoheterosexual dampers from the Corvette.  “We thought about calling it the E/28,”said Bob, “but we thought that might be too confusing.”

DOCTOR OFFERS TIPS FOR BIRD-FLIPPING DRIVERS WITH CARPAL TUNNEL

Wink Packard, a carpal tunnel patient, demonstrates exercise

As many as 80% of Dr. Sanka Belcher’s patients are chronic bird-flippers suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome.  “Your hand and middle finger can only perform so many bird flips, and once you reach that limit, you’re going to have problems,” said Belcher.

But the prominent physician, who achieved his boyhood dream of becoming both a hand doctor and urologist, said Bird-Flipping Carpal Tunnel (BFCP) can be prevented.  “Many of my patients are devastated because they think they’re going to have to stop flipping off other drivers, but that’s hardly ever the case,” said Dr. Belcher.

He recommends that three times a day, chronic bird flippers perform the old rhyme, Here is the church and here is the steeple.  Open the doors and see all the people, while interlocking and twisting the fingers.  “Also, putting your thumbs in your ears and repeating ‘nyahh, nyahh’ five or six times while wiggling your fingers is a good muscle strengthening exercise,” claims Belcher.  “Then, after your exercises, always soak your hand in a saucepan filled with warm pudding to relax the muscles and joints.”  Dr. Belcher claims his techniques have changed his patients’ lives.  “They’re so happy and excited they flip off my receptionist and everyone in the waiting room on their way out,” he chortled.

DEMENTED MECHANIC ARRESTED FOR IMPROPERLY FLASHING ECUs

A customer took this photo of technician Garmisch Plecker reflashing an ECU

A local automotive technician was arrested yesterday after a customer observed him “half-naked” flashing a car’s engine control unit (ECU).   According to police, 40-year-old Garmisch Plecker was taken into custody on one charge each of indecent exposure and annoying an Acura.

“There’s a right way and an immoral way to reflash a car’s ECU,” said police spokeswoman Midol Winchell, who resembles a young Bruce Dern.  “And the way he did it ain’t right.”

Police said Plecker’s abnormal flashing process was observed by a customer who arrived early to pick up his Acura Integra.  “He’s a sick man,” said 28-year-old Caster Lamprey, who later acknowledged that his Integra, “has never run better.”

NEXT BIG TRANSPORTATION TREND? PERSONAL TUNNEL BORING MACHINES

Dr. Winnie Lee Festite is a transportation futurist, a person who makes predictions about how people and things will move about in the future, and when asked about the next personal transportation trend, she doesn’t hesitate.  “Personal tunnel boring machines,” she said confidently.  In the 1950’s, everyone thought we’d be piloting flying cars by now, but the technology just isn’t there yet.  That’s not the case with PTBMs,” she claims.

Personal TBMs like this one might become popular in the future

Festite believes four to six passenger tunnel boring machines will occupy 70% of American garages within fifteen years.  “Well, maybe not IN the garage;  why take up valuable space? Just burrow underneath the garage and park it there,” she said, choking and spitting up saltine cracker fragments as she laughed at her own wisecrack.

TBMs will offer other advantages, too, said Festite.  “No traffic–if the freeway is clogged, just dig your own route.  Plus, imagine the fun and excitement when you return to the surface to see where you are.” It should be noted that Dr. Festite recommends always calling the Call Before You Dig hotline before leaving home.  

OWNERS OF WRECKED KIAS CLAIM SOUL LIVES ON AFTER DEATH

Does the Soul continue to exist after death?  Narvel Dortz, whose Kia was crushed by a mysterious block of blue ice that fell from the sky, never thought so until a few days after his car was destroyed.  “I awoke in the middle of the night to see my old Kia Soul hovering in front of my bed.  It was spooky.  It was kind of a ghostly white color, which was weird because the original paint color was Alien Pearl Metallic,” said Dortz.  “I think it came to say goodbye.”

Apparition of Narvel Dortz’s departed Kia Soul appeared in his bedroom

Paranormal investigator Loonis Hyphen McGue has investigated at least a dozen such cases involving Kia Souls.  “The Soul definitely lives on after the physical car is gone,” she said, an assertion that brings comfort to Dortz.  “I can move on now; I know my Soul is watching over me,” he said.  “Just before it faded away, it beeped and flashed it’s headlights at me.”  

DRIVER AND HIS LAP DOG BOTH CITED FOR SPEEDING

A downtrodden Squirts Feezle shows the speeding ticket he received

Squirts Feezle will have his day in court.  The five-year-old Labrador Retriever mix and his owner, Curtis Feezle, were stopped by police early today and both were ticketed for speeding.  “Squirts was sitting on my lap.  We were probably going too fast,” Curtis acknowledged.  “But I don’t think both of us should have been cited. I was in the driver’s seat, but Squirts was driving, not me.  It’s too bad.  We had just gone to Petco to bark at cats and had a great time, but these citations really put a damper on the day.”

According to police officer Carver Starch, neither Curtis nor Squirts Feezle would admit to driving the car, which was allegedly traveling at nearly 50 miles per hour in a 35 zone.  “The dog was in the guy’s lap, but I wasn’t sure who was driving, so they both got tickets.  The judge will just have to sort it out.”

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

Top scoring Volvo in 60mph crash test

NO DAMAGE!  VOLVO GETS TOP SCORE IN 60 MPH CRASH SAFETY TEST
Insurance Institute says vehicle wasn’t even scratched in 60 mile per hour crash into barrier, although crash dummy’s head separated and was later found inside the facility’s lunchroom.

HONDA DROPS ODYSSEY VACUUM CLEANER 
CREVICE ATTACHMENT AFTER RECEIVING HUNDREDS OF PRACTICAL JOKE
COMPLAINTS FROM PASSENGERS
“It’s funny until it happens to you.  Someone always winds up crying.”
Honda spokeswoman Yodle Louie

NEW COURSE TEACHES DRIVERS OF LARGE SUVs HOW TO USE TURN SIGNALS

FACTORY FIVE TO RELEASE MERCURY GRAND MARQUIS KIT

Although best known for their built-it-yourself Cobra kits, Massachusetts-based Factory Five says their goal is to serve all types of customers.  To that end, the company is releasing their latest kit, a replica Mercury Grand Marquis.  “We think the early 70’s models were the best looking, so we modeled our fiberglass shells off those,” said Marketing Director Buckley “Buckley” Twooey.  “Our nearly deceased customers really like the vinyl roofs and whitewalls, and no other manufacturer is currently serving that market,” he said.  “We have four or five guys a week bringing in their Social Security checks to make a down payment.”

Factory Five’s Grand Marquis during the construction process

According to Twooey, “Three or four hardy seniors should be able to complete the car in two to four years, including taking time out for naps and watching Murder, She Wrote reruns.”  The basic Grand Marquis kit retails for $18,995, and options include plastic seat covers, curb feelers and a windshield-mounted compass.

CAR DEALER ADDS CHARGE FOR COFFEE AND COOKIES TO WINDOW STICKER