STUDY SHOWS STRANGE SIMILARITY AMONG RANGE ROVER EVOQUE BUYERS

August Foloney poses in front of the new
Range Rover Evoque he just purchased

Purchasers of the distinctive, hot-selling Range Rover Evoque are themselves unique, according to a new study of SUV buyers.  

In addition to belonging to a buyer demographic that is younger and more affluent than most, Evoque purchasers also tend to look similar to the vehicle itself.

“It’s very unusual, said automobile demographics researcher Marynice Chodd.  “The only other time we’ve noticed this is with Nissan Juke buyers.  They tend to have large jowls, squinty eyes and a single large front tooth.”  

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NIKE’S NEW SHOE CAR

Nike today unveiled their eagerly anticipated two-seat shoe roadster, the Nike Air Sneakster.  

The vehicle, displayed at the company’s  Oregon headquarters, is constructed almost entirely of shoe components and will be available beginning this summer in a variety of sizes and colors.  Some of the features of the new roadster include:

  • Elastic mesh body panels that flex upon impact, keeping occupants safer on the road
  • A gel suspension instead of traditional shock absorbers that lessens impacts and provides a smoother ride
  • Durable, dent resistant blown rubber exterior 
  • Cushioned insole floor mats and gas and brake pedals
Nike has also announced a new slogan that will accompany the car’s release:  “Just Drive It.”   
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LOCAL RED LIGHT CAMERA REPLACED BY PHOTO-SNAPPING WORKER

Traffic Monitor Dale Fergerman aims
his camera at a red light violator

Red light cameras can generate significant revenue for local governments, but they’re also expensive to buy and maintain.  That’s why one local government has dumped its camera in favor of an employee with a camera perched in a seat high above the intersection.

“Red light camera systems cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, but we pay Dale minimum wage and buy him a Subway combo when he comes down off the light post,” said Streets and Highways Department Manager Dick Bob Zindle.  

He was referring to traffic monitor Dale Fergerman, who spends several hours each day high above the intersection snapping photographs of red light violators.  

“It’s really worked out well…except for the time Dale fell out of his chair and landed on a nun in the crosswalk below.  We bought her a sandwich.  She was very nice about it,” said Zindle.

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FIRST PHOTOS! 2015 CADILLAC ESCALATOR!

2015 Cadillac Escalator

EXCLUSIVE:  CADILLAC’S EYE-OPENING NEW SUV

Cadillac describes it as “the most unique vehicle of our time,” and we at Parksplug are inclined to agree.  “There’s nothing else like the 2015 Escalator,” said Cadillac Marketing Director Yodart Munger proudly.  “It’s our most exciting design since the 80’s Seville bustle back.”

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IS THIS GILLETTE’S NEW SUV?

RAZOR COMPANY TO JOIN RANKS OF AUTOMAKERS WITH DEBUT OF MACH 4X4?

New Gillette 4X4 features titanium blades
and lubrication strip
Razor manufacturer Gillette today released a teaser photograph of its first vehicle, the four-wheel-drive Mach 4X4.  

Gillette Marketing Manger Beebeelynn Gnartoff claimed the SUV has features not offered by other automakers.  “It’s the only vehicle with a grill that has double ultra-thin cutting foils plus three lower titanium blades with a lubrication strip,” said Gnartoff.    
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HEADLINES WE DIDN’T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT

GUY WHOSE IDEA IT WAS TO PAINT FIRE ENGINES LIME GREEN IS FINALLY DEAD

Celebrations break out at thousands of fire stations across the country.

AUTOMAKERS COMPLAIN ABOUT STARBUCKS’ NEW ONE-GALLON “TRENTA” CUP

Starbucks Trenta cup pictured
in new Ford Furlough

“We’re maxed out.  If cupholders get any larger, we’ll have to eliminate the front passenger seat.”  Javier DeSususudio, Chief of Interior Design, Ford Motor Company

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HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT TO PLACE DISCOUNT COUPONS INSIDE ROADKILL

The next time you spot a dead animal in the roadway, you might want to stop and pick it up rather than just drive on by.  That’s because highway department officials today announced a new plan to insert discount coupons for restaurants, theaters, salons and retailers inside roadkill.  “We believe drivers will stop and pick up dead animals in the hopes there might be a money-saving coupon inside,” said highway department administrator Walter “Whirly” O’Chang. “It’ll sure save us money by not having to pick up and dispose of all that roadkill.”
Hair salon owner Peaches Findleweimer said she jumped on board as soon as she heard about the program. “I think it’s great. I bought 200 coupons for discount perms that’ll go inside dead raccoons. For the same price I could have had 300 skunk coupons, but who would stop for a dead skunk?” she asked, smiling wistfully.
O’Chang emphasized that motorists should remove the coupons and not take the dead animal with them to the business or retailer.
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AMID DECLINING MOTORCYCLE SALES, HARLEY-DAVIDSON FOCUSES ON FITNESS EQUIPMENT

Slim Bob Elliptical Trainer
Harley-Davidson is an American manufacturing icon, but the motorcycle maker is still struggling to recover from the great recession.  ”We had to develop new products,” said marketing director Dorman “Pile Driver” Spootman while picking his teeth with a large dagger.
Their first new product, the Slim Bob elliptical trainer, has just hit the market and Harley employees are obviously proud of it.  ”It’s alright,” said Spootman.  ”It’s got a hole for your beer can.”
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VOLVO WINS “BEST KEY TO PICK YOUR EAR WITH” AWARD FOR FOURTH YEAR IN A ROW

Award-winning
Volvo S60 key

Fajita Mufferberg’s body writhed back and forth as she twisted the gold-colored key that was deeply inserted into her left ear.  “Oh…my…God,” she exclaimed, her eyes closed.  The key was for a 2014 Volvo S60 sedan, and for the third consecutive year, the Swedish car manufacturer won top honors in the “Best Key” category at the National Ear Pickers convention in Nashville.   Judges presented elated Volvo representatives with the coveted Golden Ear trophy, saying, “The key’s notches and grooves provide the most stimulating experience since Q-Tip discontinued their vibrating Q-Tickler model.”


Meantime, a half-dozen ear, nose and throat doctors picketed outside the convention center, one holding a large sign reading, “Nothing smaller than your elbow!”Hundreds of attendees waited in long lines at Volvo’s booth to get their hands on a free sample key. After her experience, Mufferberg, 32, of Alpaca, Wyoming, seemed dazed, and muttered, “I have to go sit down,” as Volvo staffers smiled and nodded.
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