Parksplug

MAN WHO TEASED NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS WITH ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC FOUND BLUDGEONED

Orgus Quibb

Police say a man who teased neighborhood children by installing a loudspeaker on his truck and driving around the neighborhood blaring “Turkey in the Straw” was found bludgeoned in a creekbed yesterday.  

Police spokesperson Cookie DeStephanipples said the man was identified as 37-year old Orgus Quibb, who lives nearby.  “He got beat up pretty good, but he’ll be okay,” said DeStephanipples.  “We found a bent wiffle bat nearby,” she added.

Neighbors felt little pity for Quibb.  “He got a kick out of playing the same song the ice cream man plays, and he laughed when all the kids ran outside with their ice cream money only to discover the music was coming from his old pickup instead of the ice cream truck,” said 80-year-old resident Rustolea Fitch. “He got what he deserved.”

Police have no suspects and a copyright violation is pending against Quibb for unauthorized use of “Turkey in the Straw.”

TOYOTA BUILDS, THEN MISPLACES, THE ONE-BILLIONTH CAMRY

A tired and frustrated Boyd Mizuno (foreground) searches for silver “one-billionth” Toyota Camry

Toyota’s big celebration over building the one-billionth Camry was cut short on Monday after officials discovered the car had been misplaced.  

“We know it’s silver, but we made 20,000 silver ones that day and we don’t know which one it is,” said Toyota manufacturing plant manager Genichi “Boyd” Mizuno, pointing to a paved lot containing thousands of similar-looking new vehicles.

Teams have been searching the area for three days without success.  “We’ve probably walked by it about nine times already,” said a frustrated employee, shaking his head.

SIX THINGS THE CHEVROLET CRUZE AND THE UNDER ARMOUR PERFORMANCE JOCKSTRAP HAVE IN COMMON

Chevrolet Cruze

1.  Both keep you warm and snug in cold weather

2.  Neither comes equipped with a cup, although both have cup holders

3.  Both provide excellent support for two front occupants

4.  Both handle well and feature plenty of headroom

Under Armour Jockstrap

5.  Both are washable, although jockstrap components could snag on whirling car wash brushes

6.  Stick shift:  Both accommodate one stick that can be shifted.  Carefully.

NEW FORD CELEBRITY AIR BAG IGNITES CONTROVERSY

Controversial Rob Ford air bag shown inflating from vehicle steering wheel after rear-end collision

Last month, the Ford Motor Company became the first automaker to offer celebrity air bags on its cars and light trucks.

Customers can choose from supplemental restraints bearing the likenesses of Harrison Ford, Gerald Ford, Betty Ford, and even legendary New York Yankees pitcher Whitey Ford.  

But controversy arose when former Toronto mayor Rob Ford was added to the list.  “Some poor driver gets in a crash, and to make matters worse, Rob Ford blows out of the steering wheel?  That’s outrageous,”  claimed agitated drug and alcohol counselor Ingot Cheesewell.  

When asked for a response, Ford Motor Company spokesman Howie DeRumpis commented, “I knew we should have gone with Tennessee Ernie Ford.”

CAUGHT ON CAMERA! THE AUSTIN-GEELY BUG-EYED SPRITE!

2016 Austin-Geely 蟲-Eyed Sprite photographed during testing

It won’t roll off the assembly line for at least 18 months, but sources say that when it does, “it” will be a modern-day Bug-Eyed Sprite.  

The small roadster, to be called the 
蟲-Eyed Sprite in China, is the first of several planned vehicles from the new British-Chinese company Austin-Geely.

“They haven’t announced whether they’ll build it in England or in China, or somewhere halfway between, like Muynak, Uzbekistan,” said auto industry analyst Bubbles McTeague.  “I’d put my money on Muynak, because there’s plenty of land available for a factory, plus many opportunities for recreational boating.” 

McTeague added that, based on what she’s heard, the new Sprite will feature all the fun and unreliability of the first one.

BIG WIN FOR U.S. POSTAL SERVICE IN BAJA 500

It was celebration time yesterday for the half-million employees of the U.S. Postal Service after the federal agency took the checkered flag in the challenging Baja 500 off-road race.  

A race-prepared USPS Grumman LLV truck beat back entries from competitors UPS, FedEx and DHL to win the coveted trophy in the light to medium-duty package delivery vehicle class.

Ecstatic employees at post offices around the country opened crates of customers’ champagne and stuck postage stamps to one another’s foreheads.  “This is huge!” exclaimed USPS Zip Code Specialist Cricket Peese as she sipped champagne and munched on styrofoam packing peanuts.

Winning race driver Jon (pronounced “John”) Feetersley told Parksplug that modifications to the winning truck were few.  “We bored the motor out from 2.2 liters to 2.3, and put a new set of Hankooks on it, and that was about it,” said Feeters.  

Baja race committee president Buck Riviera said the trophy will be FedEx’d to the Postal Service tomorrow.

SPY PHOTO: IS THIS THE NEW SILVERADO FAMILY TRUCKSTER?

Rumors that Chevrolet would add a Family Truckster package to its Silverado lineup have been swirling about the blogosphere for some time.  But a photograph taken by legendary automotive spy photographer Akrod Peeler indicates the well-lit truck will become a reality.  

The Silverado Family Truckster: Coming soon?

The image shows the Silverado with the full Family Truckster package, including additional front lighting and side wood appliques.  A deceased elderly woman strapped to the roof was not depicted.

Chevrolet design manager Stuey Gazoonta, when asked for comment, told Parksplug he now works for Fiat but will be leaving next week to take a position with Donfeng Motor Group.  

PARKSPLUG READER PROFILE

Editor’s note:  Each week–or at least every once in a while–we’ll profile one of our readers.  Right now, we only have one reader, so for the foreseeable future, we’ll be profiling him over and over.  

Parksplug reader and Olds Alero Fan Cwaig Gwant

Cwaig Gwant says the first thing people want to know upon meeting him is, how did he get his unusual name?  “When my mother was a kid, she was trying to lick cake icing off a whirling electric beater.  The doctor managed to unfurl her tongue, but after that, when she talked, her  R‘s were all messed up,” said Gwant solemnly.

Cwaig considers himself a “car guy,” and is in the process of building a tribute 1998 Oldsmobile Alero Pace Car out of parts he’s found alongside the interstate.  

“So far, I have some door trim, a motor mount and a wiper motor,” he said, pointing to some greasy parts sitting near a blackened wall in the garage.  “My friend Buckley and I were spraying each other with brake cleaner and I guess we were too close to the water heater,” he explained, pointing to the wall.    

What does Cwaig enjoy most about Parksplug?  “I don’t know,” he replied.

AVIATION NEWS

IN COST CUTTING MOVE, GOVERNMENT TO TURN OVER AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TO BIRD WATCHERS

The Federal Aviation Administration today announced it will turn over all U.S. air traffic control duties to bird watching clubs beginning next fall.  

“I think it’ll work out great,” said Congressman Cubby Wunch, who authored the legislation.  “It’ll save taxpayers millions of dollars, and besides, bird watchers are already used to standing for long periods of time looking through binoculars.”

Rep. Cubby Wunch

Wunch also announced that he plans to resign from Congress next month in order to spend more time with someone else’s family.  “My family is okay,” he explained.  “But I really like my neighbor’s wife and kids more.” 

AVIATION NEWS: TSA BLOWS UP SUSPICIOUS PASSENGER

TSA officers blew up an unidentified airline passenger today after he started acting suspiciously, said an agency spokesman.  

“The male subject was very nervous, had no identification or luggage, and refused to take off his shoes,” said TSA spokesman Pablo Watanabe.

“We dealt with the situation the same way we handle a suspicious package,” Watanabe explained.  “First, we had a dog smell him.  Then, we squirted him with a water cannon, but he was still acting suspiciously, so we had no choice but to blow him up.”  

Officials say no one else was injured and the suspect was moved to a remote location at the airport before being detonated.  No flight delays resulted from the incident, although most of the airlines were late anyway.